


is it still you & i (forever?)

by coffeeshib



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends to Lovers, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Death, Nightmares, bangless forehead touches & kithes, bit of a slowburn, post-reveal, they're the softest best friends bro..
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 22:42:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19733146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeshib/pseuds/coffeeshib
Summary: -Active avoidance of thoughts & intimacy recognizes the possibility of intimacy. Kara has doubts & feels a lot of guilt. Lena is confusing, but is always here & present.or:Kara tells Lena that she’s Supergirl, but Lena already knows. Things are awkward & unfamiliar & not them for a while, until it’s not.





	is it still you & i (forever?)

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd - this long piece was difficult to read so please pardon the mistakes!  
> I don't know how it got this long. It just did & by the end of it I was horrified. Right now all I want is for this fic to be as far away from me as possible. 
> 
> Title (& story) based on the song - [you & I by Rhodes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaQXwsAn5CM)
> 
> Bon apple teeth.

It’s been three weeks after Lex Luthor’s death.

And just in time for the annual Pulitzer Awards, Kara wins a Pulitzer Prize in Investigative Reporting on her expose piece about Lex Luthor. Truthfully it’s not something she expected to earn after investigating and catching Lex.

But the world continues to spin and life continues on. 

Eyes closing, she counts the tick of the clock that rests against the wall.

One, two, three.

Then she lets herself be taken to further noise - to the outside of her apartment, ears filling with the screeching of several tires on concrete, the pedestrian crossing bleeping, the rapid flapping of wings into the sky, whispering, shouting, and laughing from people.

Breathing in deeply, she leans on her kitchen counter with her arms crossed, staring at the gold medal laid on the table. 

It’s her first ever Pulitzer Award. She thinks about her award speech from three weeks ago, thinks about how she spent most of it talking about a certain genius innovative CEO right after Cat Grant handed her the medal.

Well. 

Then not for a while longer, a familiar heartbeat registers in her hearing - thumping and thumping as it gets closer. Kara counts to thirty-three seconds until there's a knock on her door.

“Alex,” she greets, giving her a hug after opening the door. Her sister stands with take-out bags, grinning. “Hey. Chinese?” Kara raises an eyebrow up in question, but smiles. “What’s the occasion?”

“Nothing. Can’t I randomly drop by to see my sister with some food?” Alex snorts, letting herself in and chucking her coat down on the couch. She looks around before setting the bags down at the dining table. “I just wanted to check up on you, things have been crazy and hectic.”

“Oh… I see. Uh, you know, I already ate but I won’t say no to more food.”

Alex hums. “How have you been?”

“As you said, it’s been crazy and hectic. Swamped with work from both sides.”

“Oh, yeah.” Alex notices the muted active T.V. The channel currently features an anchor delivering news about Lex. There's nothing new in their deliverance - the same goes for the other channel networks. It's all the same information though sometimes his sister's name gets dragged on the screen. “He’s been all over the news these past three weeks. It’ll die down eventually.”

“Yeah…” Kara thinks of Lena, head bowing down. She hasn’t seen Lena since four days ago, when Lena stopped by in Catco to have lunch with her. Things are still normal and okay with Lena. She wonders if she can still say the same in the near future. She shakes her head. “How about you? What have you been up to?”

“Oh, same old,” her sister winces, and Kara chuckles knowing that Director Haley is still the same ol’ Director Haley at the DEO. “I was with Lena this afternoon.”

Kara pauses on the take-out boxes. “Really?”

Her sister nods. “Yeah, we talked about work and a few other things. Hey—are you eating that?”

“Alex,” Kara shakes her head at the food, glances briefly at the news before looking down in thought. “I’m going to tell her.”

No more delays. 

Alex halts. Watches her, then nods seconds after. There’s a mix of sorry and pity in her eyes. 

“Okay.”

* * *

_She stood there, in the middle of the woods devoid of any human populace close by. There she saw a military truck and a party of men in uniform, speaking in hushed tones with one another in foreign language._

_Russian._

_The sun rays seeped into her skin as she raised a hand up, curling and uncurling in wonderment, feeling charged, renewed, and revitalized._

_“The sun gives you abilities, Snowbird.” A man with an authoritative voice spoke to her, watching her slowly lift up from the ground. He looked like a commander, the leader responsible for the party of men that surrounded them as he stood straight and proud, radiating confidence and authority._

_She lifted up further above the ground, higher and higher as closed her eyes, feeling and hearing all the sounds of her surroundings._

_Then the scene shifted, transitioned into something different but with the same setting of a rainforest —_

_She stood in front of what used to be a small cottage. Smoke rose up to the sky and something smelled of burnt fire and ashes and destruction._

_She was at a loss for words._

_Taking tentative, slow steps into the burnt cottage, she scanned around for anything—anything that still remained intact, for anything that wasn’t wholly destroyed._

_It was suddenly hard to breathe. There was absolutely nothing that was left standing here. Her eyes searched around in panic, and soon she caught sight of a ragged piece of soccer ball. A choked sob broke out from her throat and she walked towards it slowly, hands shaking uncontrollably by her sides._

_The scrapped material of what used to be a soccer ball felt heavy in her hands. She fell to her knees and a stream of tears started rolling down her cheeks._

_She screamed and screamed until anger consumed her whole. Outrage coursed through her veins. It wasn't right. She stood up hastily, and shot up into the sky —_

Kara wakes up to a violent jolt, and then to the noises of something whimpering, pained. Watery and heavy. When the sounds gradually comes into a stop, she realises that the sounds were actually coming from herself. 

Her eyes feel itchy. She blinks, feels something wet running down her cheek.

It happened again. 

The dreams. It comes almost every night. Ever since Red Daughter flew into her, and died seconds later in her arms. 

She has to bring a hand up to her chest, rubbing at the area hard and slow. Her heart won’t stop pounding rapidly. Wiping the sweat in her eyebrows and tears on her cheeks, she sits up straighter, remembers the breathing exercises Eliza taught her to combat the times she used to wake up from nightmares. 

She stops massaging her chest and keeps her hand still. Breathes in deeply. In and out. In and out. 

Seconds turn into minutes, and soon she feels like she’s back in control again.

* * *

Kara is late to the girls’ night gathering at Kelly’s house by the time she reaches the doorstep.

She feels incredibly antsy, restless. 

Lena needs to know by the end of today, she’s decided. 

No more delays.

Carrying a bottle of wine and a box of bottled beer, when the door opens she's instantly greeted by a huge smile from Kelly. People are already here, she knows—hears the sounds of Nia and Alex bantering in the living room.

“Sorry I’m late,” Kara winces, and Kelly waves her off as she gives her a quick hug. “I got wine and beer.”

“No worries,” Kelly grins, taking Kara’s bagging and ushering her to get inside. “Come on, everyone’s here already.” 

“Okay.”

Kara feels her face heat, tries not to ask where Lena is the first thing as she settles inside. She’ll find her herself. When she makes her way to the living room, her mouth curls into a grin at the sight, greeting Nia and Alex warmly.

“Hey—thanks for making the quick trip to my house and getting the box for me,” Alex says, taking the box from Kelly. Nia’s nose wrinkles at the smell, causing Kara to chuckle fondly at the younger woman. “I forgot about it.”

“Uh huh. It’s fine,” Kara snorts. “You technically live here now.” She wonders when’s the last time Alex has stepped into her own apartment. Kelly is still new around here in National City. Kara sees how busy Alex has been helping Kelly settle, sees how happy Alex has been around with Kelly. Seconds later, smiling as she shrugs off her jacket, she picks up the familiar, heart-warming heartbeat.

“Hey, I’ll be back.”

“Sure,” Alex shrugs before getting back to Nia, eyeing the younger woman suspiciously when Nia confidently takes a bottle for herself. “Are you even old enough to drink?”

“Alex, please. I’m well-over the age limit,” Nia scoffs, her offended look coming off as a pout before popping the bottle open. “Watch me chug this down.”

“Hoo—wow, okay, hold your horses a bit—”

Walking further away from her friends, Kara follows the direction of the heartbeat and soon comes to a stop when she sees Lena standing outside on the balcony, staring far away into the distance.

“Hey,” Kara says quietly when she shuts the balcony door. Lena looks over her shoulder, sends her a light smile before looking back at the city. “What are you doing out here?”

She joins Lena, side by side by the fence. Lena dons a simple black sweater and blue jeans, looking gorgeous and lovely. As she always looks.

“Kelly has quite the view out here from her balcony,” Lena tells her, shrugging and their arms touch. She looks at Kara, tilts her head as she does that cute nose scrunch thing that has Kara feeling soft at the sight. “I guess I lost track of time a little when I was looking around. The city lights look so pretty from over here.”

Kara huffs softly, agreeing. They observe the view, the bright neon lights and electronic billboards from the buildings and skyscrapers, brightening the sky that not even a twinkling of a star can be seen in the dark night sky.

“This _is_ a great spot. Good job, Kelly. Wow.”

Kara feels a playful bump to her shoulder before a light chuckle fills her ears. 

“You’re a little late. Got held down by work?”

“Yes,” she says quietly, thinking about the robbery that turned into a tricky car chase that happened half an hour ago. They were aliens which made things extra time-demanding. “Something like that.”

Lena hums, chin on her palm and leans on Kara’s shoulder. The easy casual physical contact makes Kara flush. Kara bows her head slightly, fixes her glasses.

Time is a curious thing, she thinks. It moves ever forward, an illusionary in its truest form.

Things are okay and fine with Lena. Right now that’s the case. 

But right now it also feels wrong and false. Because right now she needs to tell her the truth. Right now she needs to stop being a coward.

“How have you been?” Kara starts first, genuinely curious as she absentmindedly plays with the material of her shirt anxiously.

“Just peachy,” Lena says drily. “You know, with the increased board meetings and getting hounded by the press after the incident with Lex. And though there’s been that, as crazy as it sounds I’ve had some time for myself.” Lena takes a moment for herself to think. “To think of things, see where I stand,” she says softly, sounding contemplative as Kara turns to watch her curiously. 

Kara’s heart melts to see the woman looking at ease. Relaxed. It’s been a rough three weeks for them both. Guilt churns wildly in her heart as she watches Lena, knowing it won’t last long. 

“To have a clear perspective on what is real and what isn’t,” Lena says, and when she turns to look at Kara with a fixed, indescribable look, Kara feels the air shift into something else. Oddly starting to feel heavy, Kara feels herself bracing for something. “Of the certain things that still stand beside me and what hasn’t changed.”

“What do you mean by that?”

And as if the air around them goes into a still, so does Kara, body tensing. Amongst the stillness is Lena’s pounding heart.

“Do you want to know?”

Kara swallows thickly and remembers that she has to tell Lena soon. “I always want to know what’s going on with you. And it sounds like something big and important,” she utters quietly, adjusting her glasses. She could tell Lena now. Lena is right in front of her and no one else is here. She should tell her now. “Listen, um. I have something big and important to tell you, too.”

It’s eerily quiet as the time ticks and ticks _and ticks_ —Kara can’t think of anything that could interrupt them at this moment. And as much as Lena looks so peaceful and relaxed - though a little intense, now seems the appropriate time. 

She could tell her now.

But when neither of them speaks, when Kara waits and waits for Lena to speak first, nothing comes. 

Kara opens her mouth.

“Lena—”

“Kara—”

They both speak at the same time.

Then they exchange each other amused looks and wry smiles before bursting into light chuckles, heads bowing down and—oh, _Rao_ , Kara feels her resolve slip by the second as Lena regards her fondly, smiling.

“You first,” Kara says quickly after she recollects herself, scratching her cheek and adjusting her collar. Suddenly she feels so alert and vigilant, shifting on her weight nervously. 

“Listen, I…” Lena whispers under her breath, bites her lip and watches Kara closely. And before Lena can utter another word out, the sharp opening of the balcony door startles them both in their positions, gazes quickly averted to the sound.

“Hey!” Nia says, then pauses as her eyes flicker back and forth between Kara and Lena with a half-empty beer in hand. “Oh, sorry. Was I interrupting something? Kelly said to come inside, food’s ready and we want to play.”

Kara feels a massive (nonexistent) headache creeping in and tries not to let out a groan. What even is appropriate timing? It feels like the universe is mocking her at this point.

“No, you weren’t really,” Lena shakes her head, separating from the fence and standing up straighter.

They catch each other’s gazes then, before Lena's the first to break it as she abruptly turns away, an unfamiliar look on her face that Kara only glimpses. It's a little less than a second, and yet it's filled with something that sits in Kara’s chest almost palpably—like some kind of apprehension weighing on her like a ton of steel. 

And it kind of confuses Kara a little (a lot).

“Well, let’s go you guys,” Nia prompts, still standing by the doorway.

Kara watches Lena nod before turning back to her, this time with a smile that looks like a wince. “I guess we should go join them now. Shall we?”

Kara sighs, rubs the back of her neck.

“Yeah.”

-

“Oh, come on! Now it feels like you’re all ganging up on me at this point,” Alex scoffs, taking her monopoly piece to the jail zone. “I need Winn. He would get me out of here, all I’d need to do is give him a look. Damnit.”

“No boys allowed,” Nia laughs, taking in a fistfull of popcorn in her mouth. “Not even my boy.”

Lena laughs heartily at that with her head tipping back, and it causes Kara to smile at the lovely sound and sight. She's sat right next to Kara on the couch, a glass of wine in hand as she watches Alex grumble with Nia and Kelly shaking their heads, laughing at how much Alex is failing at this round. 

Kara’s too distracted at this point—the thought of telling Lena gnaws at her by the second and - it’s only when Lena sends her a nudge on the arm, a curious, questioning look in her face that Kara realizes she’s barely touched the food on her plate.

“You okay?” Lena whispers, and suddenly she watches Kara like she has her full undivided attention.

“Yes, um.” Kara clears her throat lightly, looks down to see their thighs touching. “After this… would you come take a walk with me? Just for a little bit.” She licks her lips, drums her fingers on her thighs. 

Over by the sounds of bickering and whining from Alex and Nia—Lena studies her closely for a moment before coming into a slow nod.

“Okay, sure.”

Later on, eventually everyone starts to pack up as they clean up their messes.

Nia walks over to the kitchen and there’s a sway to her movements — 

“Woah,” Kara catches her, concern washing over her for the younger woman. Then she laughs when Nia slowly looks up at her, eyes blinking owlishly like a true drunk. “Geez, how much did you drink tonight?”

Nia shrugs and rubs her forehead. “Man, I didn’t even drink that much. I think.”

“Lightweight,” Alex quips behind them before coming up to give Nia a pat on the back. “Brainy’s coming to take her home, so don’t worry about this little one.” 

That sounds good. Satisfied, Kara nods. “And you’ll be staying here?” she smirks, wriggling her eyebrows at her sister.

“Yep,” Alex grins, looking unabashedly happy.

Kara smiles. “Too lovely and cute, you guys are.”

* * *

This is it. 

It’s just her and Lena now, out and alone together in a dark street. Nervousness bubbles in her chest and she grows more skittish by the growing tick of the time that’s still sided by the dishonesty still left unsaid. 

Time is ineluctable. Time is conjured, wasted, and sought after—time is endless and inevitables follow after inevitables.

“What were you going to say before?” Kara begins quietly, shoving her hands in her pockets as they round off to a new street. “At the balcony I mean, before we were interrupted.”

“Mh,” Lena shrugs, then Kara feels her gaze. Kara turns to look at her. “I don’t think it’s that important.”

“It sounds important. Again, Lena. I always want to know what’s up with you.”

Lena chuckles warmly, filling Kara’s ears. “What were _you_ going to say?”

“Oh. Um.” Kara rubs her eyes, fixes her glasses. It’s now or never. Delayance only makes it worse, furthers the guilt, weakens the resolve. She stops on the sidewalks, grabbing Lena’s wrist gently, causing Lena to pull into a stop, too.

Emerald-green eyes watch her curiously and Kara drops the hand, feeling her heart pound faster and faster.

She swallows thickly and looks, hears around the streets and its vicinity—there’s no one—before facing Lena in careful apprehension.

“Lena,” she says. “I’m Supergirl.”

Seconds continue tick and stretch as silence blankets them both.

“I know,” Lena says belatedly, softly, and averts her gaze to the ground.

Kara gets hit by a violent wave of dizziness. She knows? She already knows and - Lena didn't tell her.

“What?” her voice cracks and she wills her feet to stay steady rooted on the ground, body frozen. She searches into Lena’s eyes frantically, waits for the woman to elaborate, or for the stream of harsh words in anger, betrayal, disappointment, _something_ , but —

Nothing comes. 

There’s a sickening silence that falls yet again between their space as Kara tries to think of what to say. Her mouth opens and closes, nothing coming out. Lena meets her eyes then, looking sick as she does because Lena looks so… crestfallen and the longer Kara goes without saying anything, the worse it looks. 

And then Lena speaks, voice detached but not cutting.

“My brother told me before he died.”

Oh. 

Of course. Kara lets out a quivering exhale, bows her head down as she clenches her jaw tightly.

“I’m sorry.”

Choices always, _always_ get taken away from her. When it comes to her, all things personal, control always seem to slip pass from her grasp. When it comes to her, the personal pieces she guards fiercely and deeply, keeps concealed are always plucked out without care and gets taken away for others to see.

She looks back up, sees Lena watching her impassively as the air surrounding them turns quickly into something foreign and biting.

“Lena,” Kara says, voice hoarse and thick and so shaky she wonders if it’s really her speaking, “I’m sorry. I’m… so sorry for lying to you all these years. You shouldn’t have found out like that.”

Lena’s gaze falls down to the concrete between them. They’re standing close to each other and Kara has to hold herself back from the urge to make a step closer, to touch Lena and run her hands down her arms, to convey how much sorry she is. She’s tactile like that, and she knows how Lena’s also one for physical contact, too. 

“Say something, please?”

The raven-haired woman produces a shuddering exhale, crossing her arms as if to guard herself from something. Her crossed arms tightens and hands grip on her arms - Kara winces when she sees how far nails dig into the material of her sweater.

“Sorry, I just—I didn’t think you’d tell me. I’m just trying to process this. I…” Lena takes a tentative step back, rubbing her arms as she breathes slowly and heavily, bringing forth steams of foggy air. Kara has to physically restrain herself from moving, from taking a step into Lena’s space because—suddenly Lena looks so confused and lost and shaken up.

And the tense line of Lena’s shoulders is telling as they rise and steel themselves for show—like an incoming verbal beheading at the hands of her best friend.

(But the flurry of harsh words, the pent-up outrage, the string of (deserved) hurtful words don’t come.

Kara keeps waiting. It doesn’t come.)

“I don’t know what to say, Kara.”

“I’m sorry.” Kara bows her head down again, feels her heart drop and fracture into pieces as it feels like it only gets worse by the second. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s never felt so loss for words and thoughts in front of Lena. “Let me do the talking. Let me explain?” she licks her lips, has to clench her hands into fists to stop it from shaking, “or would… would you like to me to leave? Space—you could have space—”

Lena looks up at her so fast. “Kara,” she starts, and Kara sees how Lena stiffens further, “just wait.” She turns away, looking contemplative, line of sight falling to the trees and the nearby park. 

“Okay.”

Kara’s ears perk up. “What?”

“Keep walking with me for a bit? I want to talk, Kara, really I do. But I don’t know what to say.” Lena just sounds awfully tired.

“Okay, I… I’ll do the talking. Or explaining, actually…” Lena doesn’t answer. “Yeah, explaining sounds good...” When Lena starts to walk, Kara follows after her reluctantly, like a lost and sorry puppy.

“Um…” Deep breaths. “At first. You met me as Kara Danvers. I met you as Lena Luthor. It was simple, we were both complete strangers to each other back then…” she looks around the streets again. It’s dark, save for the few lamp posts lighting up some areas. They’re getting further away from the populated blocks that dance relentlessly with light and sound. “And I was wary, alert. That's the default for everyone - though I admit a little especially for the Luthors. But that didn't last very long, ten minutes in after meeting you for the first time, what you said there clicked in me. When you said you wanted to make a name for yourself outside your family.” Kara looks down with a soft huff, fond of the memory. “You're more than just your family and last name.”

As they continue to walk, Kara sees a wandering stray adult black cat ahead. It then pulls her into a small smile, thinking of a certain cat. Few street lamps stand ahead, lighting up half the park devoid of people.

“I know that this might be too presumptuous of me… but I like to think we’re as close as Lex and Superman once were. Maybe we’re _more_.” Maybe that was too much of a bold to say. Kara feels herself flush, wants to immediately take it back. But then she catches Lena’s gaze briefly, a smile, so small gracing her lips. The negative thought vanishes almost instantly. It’s encouraging enough. “People tend to find themselves be put into bad situations and get hurt when they find out about me. Because the more they know, the more they could - _would_ get involved. You have enough plate in your life as it is, Lena… so I kept it from you.”

“That may be true,” Lena finally speaks. “But, Kara… secrets rob people from making their own decisions. And you’re my best friend. What kind of friend have I been if I made you feel that you had to hide yourself from me? For years at that.”

Kara tenses and bites the inside of her cheek. They come stop to a small playground. Lena walks over to a swing, carefully sits on it and starts rocking slowly. Kara, still so unsure and full of uncertainties, hesitantly sits by the swing next to her.

“I’m sorry, Lena. About this—you’ve done nothing wrong at all. It’s not you.” She rubs her eyes again, then her whole face and turns to see Lena watching her with an unreadable look. She needs to say it. That the main reason why is not because of some grand, noble gesture. “Through it all, it was mostly selfishness in my part. Selfish reasons.”

“Selfish reasons?” Lena questions, seconds later. Lena continues to watch her, her gaze soft and patient whilst also overly cautious and wary. Kara exhales shakily, feels her face heat as she rubs her hands on her thighs anxiously. How can she even convey this properly? 

Lena, who gets overprotective whenever someone tries to hurt her, or do harm to her. Lena, who Kara can go to when it gets too much and not have to talk about her duties and situations at every turn. Lena, who doesn’t dismiss her problems and treats her as someone who can get hurt. 

She’s a breath of fresh air in Kara Danvers’ life.

“I’m just Kara Danvers to you. You treat me kindly and with respect as if I were anyone else. I liked just being Kara Danvers to you.” Kara feels herself flush impossibly further when she sees in her peripheral, the way Lena cranes her neck as if to get a better look at Kara across the empty gap between their swings. Kara uses the thick chain of her swing in the moment of embarrassment, hides her face behind the thick chain as she looks down at the barks on the ground, willing herself to say more. Anything. The hammering of her chest is so loud it’s almost difficult to hear anything else. She breathes in unsteadily.

“You’re my safe place,” she mumbles behind the silver chain, hopes it was audible enough for Lena to hear. “You’re so important to me. I don’t know how to convey this enough. I’ve thought to tell you many times. Tried to. But I was just…” Kept being told what to do. Shitty excuse. Kept cowering out. Not a good enough excuse. The timing was never right. Worse - that's an excuse for delayance and cowering out. 

Kara sighs heavily, eyes trained down to the ground. All the time spent thinking, preparing what to say is overtaken by the void in her mind. Everything collapses and reaches into a white space of nothingness, empty yet so loud like it mocks her, betrays her for taking this long. “I’m so sorry it took this long. And you had to find out from someone else.”

Kara lets the dreadful silence drag.

“Kara Danvers isn’t your real name, is it?” 

Oh. How could Kara forget? Feeling ridiculous for not having introduced herself properly yet, she shifts at the swing uncomfortably and meets Lena’s hesitant but curious gaze.

“Adopted name,” she corrects, jaw coming into a firm lock and body sitting straighter. No more hiding. “My real name’s… I’m Kara Zor-El.”

“Kara Zor-El,” Lena echoes, brows furrowing after a minute of silence.

“That’s me,” Kara nods, staring at back at Lena as she thumbs on the metal chain of the swing idly, gauging for the slightest anything from Lena. She waits for Lena to speak, to say more, to say anything. Anticipation and dread boils in her gut as her heart continues to pounds so fast that she thinks it might burst out of her rib cage.

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Do have any questions? Lena, I’ll answer anything you ask.”

“Really. Anything?”

“Anything.”

Lena lets out a sigh, laying her foot down on the ground to stop the rocking of her swing. “Right now my mind is in a blank. But I listened, and I want to thank you for telling me,” she says, turns to look at her, eyes gentle and soft but heavily hurt and Kara feels her heart shattering all over again at the sight. “Really, thank you. But… Kara. Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m just a little tired right now. I’m not sure I can continue this conversation.” And she does look tired. Not a _little_. Lena looks absolutely exhausted and if Kara really takes a look, there are bags under her eyes, only subtle due to makeup. The sink of her shoulders, overall posture burnt out.

Kara feels a strong stab of guilt. The timing is never great for her. Rao, how could she be so unthoughtful? It’s been a long day for them—Lena has, is _still_ overloaded by work and by the media, and this night was the night she made time for after working herself for weeks.

“I—of course. Um.” Kara swallows the lump in her throat and stands up abruptly. “Can I take you home?”

Lena looks at her, does that thing where she plays with her hands, fingers tangling. Kara wonders if Lena knows, or is aware of how much she does that idly. “My driver’s already on the way.”

“Oh… okay.”

Silence settles between them again for the next few minutes. Kara’s afraid if she speaks, she might say the wrong thing. Or lead into a topic where it can get worse for her. It’s awkward and both are completely out of their element—Kara doesn’t know what else to do but to stare into the distance, wondering what the other woman is thinking about right now. Lena sits so close to her, yet so far away. 

“Do you hate me?” she asks tentatively, quietly, voice uneven. Kara has to ask. Bringing her hands down on the bench, she absentmindedly starts gripping on the wooden surface until she hears the start of a tiny crack. Flinches at the sound, then settles both hands on her lap instead, fingers digging into her thighs.

When silence only greets Kara, she brings herself to look at Lena. Sees Lena staring straight ahead, jaw into firm lock, hands subtly trembling. Something, a twist of something painful coils in Kara’s chest. A thread of nails constricting her heart, further and firmer the more the silence drags. A lump grows in her throat. She forces it down.

Kara looks away to the ground, quietly scuffles her boots against the concrete. Of course Lena hates her now. It took her this long. But why didn’t Lena tell her she knew before? But more importantly, what kind of a friend has Kara been? When she thinks about it, she’s already lost count of how many times she’s lied right in front of Lena’s face. Lying for years will do that to you. Lying about her identity has almost become instinctual for her. What is wrong with her? She should have told Lena sooner.

“Kara, I—” Lena starts, shakes her head. She sighs tiredly, looks down at the barks. “I just hadn’t expected you to tell me, if you would ever at all. Especially today.”

“I’m sorry for making you think that. I always meant to tell you, Lena. I never meant to hurt you.”

Lena doesn’t say anything else.

Looking up at the dark sky, Kara lets out a shaky exhale.

A chord strikes in her chest, and her rational begins to sing a tune of how to keep your best friend from leaving you. 

* * *

Kara had it coming, really. She knew it was coming, she just wasn’t prepared for it. 

It’s loud, the silence from Lena’s end.

She shifts on her swivel seat, pinching the bridge of her nose as she closes her eyes and lays her forehead on her palm.

And if the radio silence from Lena from the past four days isn’t telling enough, then the lack of communication and greeting every time Lena drops by in Catco for work meetings is. It’s all intentional - active in its wake, of the averted gazes and avoidances of being in the same room. It comes from both of them, that much Kara easily sees.

Lena would want space, right? Time and space? Of course Lena would, that motion has been clear judging the past days. It’s a fair and educated assumption, ratione in Kara’s head. She, herself, would probably want some time and space away if she found out her best friend was lying to her for years. Time and space. Would she really?

As her mind reels restlessly, she sucks in a deep breath and runs a hand through her hair. She wants to go see Lena right now. She can’t go to _see_ Lena right now. When she lets out a groan of frustration and shifts slightly, her swivel seat almost breaks from the simple, little force. A wandering Catco colleague turns to look at her curiously for a moment before he scurries off to his own business.

Yeah, Lena would want time and space. That makes sense, and Kara _would_ give her all the time and space she needs. But she can’t shake off the restless feeling in her chest, that maybe Lena wouldn’t actually want to see her anymore. To want her around her in life any longer.

Kara pauses in her seat. 

That’s entirely possible. It’s entirely reasonable, understandable.

Days pass by excruciatingly slow, and for what feels like a millennia—it’s now a week of silence from Lena. A week after that night at the park with Lena. 

And Kara tries to let Lena have some time and space, she really does. But that resolve completely shatters into a million tiny little pieces by her helpless hand that currently holds a phone and her overthinking brain that just itches to know how Lena is doing. The guilt in her chest has been festering each day, growing so large and full that it feels all-consuming, hard to breathe.

It takes her two hours of thinking, to gather up enough courage to send Lena a single text.

_Will you have coffee with me? At Noonan’s a little later in the evening._

* * *

Surprisingly enough, Lena agrees to have coffee with her. 

Lena agrees to have coffee with her and Kara freaks out. 

And so fifteen minutes early into Noonan’s she’s been a bundle of jittery and shake, tapping her fingers on the table constantly. Will Lena actually come? And if she does, perhaps she’s only coming to finally tell Kara that she doesn’t want to see her anymore. Usually that is said in person and Lena isn’t the type to shy away from cut-throat confrontations.

Oh, Rao.

Lena agreed to come so she could come meet up with Kara and tell her exactly that. That must be it.

Before Kara could conjure more scenarios and further torture herself, the door opens with a ring of a bell. Lena spots her easily. Kara just finds herself sat frozen still as Lena makes her way to her.

She doesn’t greet Lena with a hug. Unsurety and hesitation clouds her mind whole, so she settles for a polite smile for Lena followed by a polite nod, polite pleasantries, polite everything.

Her own actions make her grimace internally. Would it have been too forward and bold if she’d given her hug? Yeah, it probably would have. Obviously they’re not okay right now and they need to talk about things. Yeah, that sounds right. Especially when Lena arches an eyebrow, face unreadable and follows after Kara’s awkward polite every things.

“I already ordered for you. Black coffee, no sugar no cream,” Kara says, sliding the double cupped coffee and a piece of wrapped up bread over the table. “Real coffee.”

Lena sits on the opposite side and sends Kara another polite smile back with a small _thank you_. Her slick raven-black hair sways when she makes a movement, and it's tied up into a pony tail perfectly that shows the full display of her long, slender neck and chiselled jawline. 

Lena looks absolutely gorgeous and impeccable.

And suddenly Kara feels heavily out of place—time is a precious thing for Lena. Lena, her (ex?) best friend who happens to be a genius, innovative charismatic woman, who people scramble hastily and fight incessantly for just a minute of her attention and time. Who causes headlines with just a mere show of her face and presence in any event. And Lena is out here with her unblemished black three-piece power suit like she means work and business. The billionaire genius CEO of two major companies sat out here at a mildly recognized cafe that lacks in staffing and tables and chairs. Only that Kara shouldn’t feel out of place; they’ve been doing this, having simple meetups together so many times in the past that Kara just gets reminded of the full gravity of having a friend like Lena hang out with her in a public place. 

Kara is here, who just invited her (ex?) best friend for the most boring and meaningless and time-consuming coffee break. Her mind blanks for a moment before she falls into panic. Lena’s been keeping quiet as she sips on her coffee.

It's just Lena. She knows Lena. Lena can decide how and where and who she chooses to spend her time with. Like right now, currently spending her time with Kara on the most meaningless, uneventful, groundbreakingly awkward coffee break ever set on Earth.

She flushes, and takes a deep, quiet breath.

She tries to start off with something small, something—anything to say so it doesn’t get awkward. Small talk isn’t Lena’s most favourite thing or her suite, but Kara’s not sure what else to do.

“I read about your plans in L-Corp for the upcoming months. And that new tech you’re putting out to the public.” 

Work-related. Kara cringes at herself internally.

Lena hums before taking another sip. “We are,” she says slowly and a little belatedly at that, and turns to look at the windows to watch the passing people and cars. 

Awkward seconds pass.

When Kara takes another look at Lena, cranes her neck to eye Lena’s profile, Lena’s face is lit ablaze prettily by the bright city lights, the moon. Always, always so easily captivated by some refracting light, Kara thinks Lena may reflect the sun the same way a moon does, and it would explain why Kara looks at her so fervently. She’s enigmatic as a whole.

“It’s all setting into motion. Hopefully the process runs smoothly and all goes well but it doesn’t help that… the incident with Lex happened.” She turns to look back at Kara. “You on the other hand seem to be holding various interviews these days, serving voice for the aliens at trouble.”

Kara grimaces. No more work-related. Lena sounds so formal, like she’s using her corporate persona, laced with her business, no-bullshit voice. Kara tries for something recent, something that’s only for them, non-relating to work.

“Yeah… so, um,” she leans on the table with her elbows, her fingers drumming on her arms apprehensively. “Won’t you tell me what you were going to say that time at the balcony?” 

“I already said it wasn’t that important.” Lena’s eyebrows lower, eyes closing briefly as her lips presses together before parting with a sigh.

Kara frowns. “Really? I feel like it was as important as what I was going to tell you. Had told you about.”

She watches Lena sigh again and look down at the table. Oh. Wrong topic, then. Or maybe wrong choice of words, wrong everything. An awkward lull hangs between them when neither speaks. Lena looks uncomfortable and - with a tight, not-quite-like-a-smile sent to Kara, Kara feels her heart drop. 

This isn’t it. 

This isn’t how they are.

Awkward and polite and aloof and so unsure with each other. Kara knows this is all her fault.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Kara scratches her neck, clearing her throat as she leans back on her chair, flustered and feeling incredibly out-of-place. “Sorry. Forget I asked.”

Really thinking about it, perhaps she ought to give Lena more time and space. What is she even doing? Isn’t this too much too fast? It’s only been a week. Does Lena even want to still see her? Why had Lena agreed? She needs to ask. They need to talk.

“Don’t apologize for that,” Lena admonishes softly, looking down at her coffee, cup already half-empty. Somehow the sight makes Kara feel lighter. “You know,” Lena says a moment later, voice cautious but light, and it makes Kara visibly light up, feeling like a total hopeless clown at Lena’s initiation, “isn’t this your bread go-to? I might need some help eating it, I already ate.”

Kara blinks.

“This could feed two people, Kara.”

“Alex eats a whole one just fine.” Kara frowns and reaches over the table, takes the wrapped bread and breaks it into two. “Here.”

Not that Kara isn’t open to eating half of it—she is all the way open—but a thought makes its way into her head, thinking, jokingly if Lena had made a quick slip of poison into this bread. Well, after what they’ve been through it’s probably what she deserves. She takes a huge bite, looks up and sees the smallest tug of Lena’s lips and, oh Rao, Lena’s smiling, but—wait. Did she really just get poisoned?

( _No_ , Kara thinks, _of course not._ )

“Yes?” she munches, frowning again which probably looks like a pout.

“It’s nothing.” Lena picks up her own wrap, shaking her head. “Just help me eat this, okay?”

Well. Kara finds sharing a piece of bread with Lena a small win. Highly encouraging, no matter how silly this sounds.

(But they need to talk. They need to talk, but Kara isn't sure what to exactly ask, or say.

Oh, Rao.)

* * *

_She stood in a small room,_ her _room, with only a simple bed and a nightstand with books on top. Old, cracked blue walls enclosed the small room like a prison cell and here there was only one door which looked incredibly heavy and robust, managed in a way to keep a room well-locked and protected._

_It was only when she sat down that she heard a familiar word ring in her ear, a voice that sounded like a young boy’s - shouting and crying for something. Quickly, she pulled out a book and skimmed through its pages._

_Help, she recognized the word. Help! the boy repeated._

_The metallic door easily broke from the contact of her purposeful strike of fist, and speeding out of the base she flew to where the voice was coming from. Spotting a small cottage with multiple humans inside, she landed through the roof and immediately saw three hostile men. All too easily she knocked them all unconscious before they even realised she was there. A boy watched it all happen as he breathed heavily, hiding in the small corner of the room._

_“There’s, there’s more men outside,” the young boy whispered with tears in his eyes, body shaking. She nodded, made a move towards him slowly, scanning for any injury._

_“I’ll protect you. You’re going to be okay. What’s your name?” she asked quietly, readying herself for another engagement as she heard men whispering harshly to each other outside the cottage._

_“I—um, my name—I’m—”_

“Mikhail!” Kara startles awake upright, sweat trickling down her neck as she breathes unevenly, eyes flickering wildly around her surroundings. 

There’s nothing but the darkness and stillness of the room.

Deep breaths.

Red Daughter’s memories come in fragments through her dreams. This isn’t the first time she’s seen this particular young boy in her dreams. Each time Kara sees him - the need to see him, see how he’s doing and if he’s okay gets stronger. 

She’s done some investigating recently. He’s alive and is currently placed in foster care, that much Kara knows. 

But Red Daughter never knew. She died saving Kara, died believing that Mikhail was dead. 

It’s too much and not at all fair. Kara detests the way things ended for Red Daughter. For Mikhail. They didn’t deserve what happened to them at all.

Sighing heavily, she squeezes her eyes shut and presses her palms to her eyes. 

* * *

It takes Kara four days of studying, in between her Catco work and Supergirl duties to become decent in Russian. Perhaps at a fluent level, even. It helped that Red Daughter was already fluent, but she wanted to start from scratch.

Old, borrowed books are strewn across the floor, piled messily in her living room. Getting up from her couch to do a full-body stretch, she winces when she almost spills her mug on the books and carpet. 

Pacing back and forth in the room, she wonders what she’s trying to achieve here. What is she even _doing_?

Mikhail knows English. He knows how to speak and write. Yet here she is, ignoring that very fact and wasting time.

Time.

She knows she’s only delaying herself. Deep inside, she’s actually a little afraid to meet Mikhail because she doesn’t know what to expect. Just the thought makes her nervous. But at the same time, she feels a familiar swell for the boy she never interacted with in her life. Kara understands it comes from Red Daughter and her memories.

She shakes her head, pulls her glasses away and flies over to Kaznia.

* * *

Below her is a double storey house - a house that looks new and modern - much different compared to the cottage Mikhail was living in. Under the roof she hears a number of children laughing and singing, and a deep voice, an adult, hushing them to be more quiet. It’s late in the night, after all. Perhaps she should’ve came a tad earlier.

Kara's not sure what she came here to exactly do. But she wants to see him, _needs_ to see him.

She knows that Mikhail is all alone right now, no family, no relatives. Would Mikhail blame her for what happened to Red Daughter? She knows all about Mikhail through Red Daughter’s eyes as if it were her own memories. His only friend is gone because of her.

Kara contemplates briefly, if she should take him in. Decides against it, way too soon. No. She can’t. She’s too dangerous to be around with, as Supergirl and even as Kara Danvers. The boy has lived and suffered through loss and pain enough. It wouldn’t be fair to take him in. He deserves a peaceful life, away from trouble and chaos.

When she’s about to touch down on the ground, the all too familiar voice registers in her head. The boyish voice that comes from her dreams, _her_ memories.

 _Hey, that’s mine!_ the boy says, giggling. Mikhail. _Be careful with it! This is my favourite ball. It’s my only one left. Tomorrow we can play if it doesn’t rain._

Such memories come into surface and Kara sees, remembers the flashing smiles and laughter, trees and sunshine, and then the chaos and destruction of a tiny old cottage home. Mikhail’s mother. 

_Yes, it is a present I got from my mother. I had two of these, but my home was destroyed, remember?_ A deep sigh. _I miss my mother. And my friend._

Kara takes a wobbly step forward to the house. So his mother _is_ gone. No longer present for him, which really explains why he’s here.

Knowing Lex, it’s most likely that his mother died in cold blood. All because of being in relation to her. All to make a fool out of Red Daughter. 

Is this why she feels she has some sort of responsibility for him?

 _What? What do you mean Supergirl is outside?_ Mikhail gasps excitedly, and Kara flinches at being discovered already, recoiling a few steps back in shock. Why is she suddenly nervous and fidgety? All week, she’d been planning for this.

She peers into the windows, sees tiny heads huddling behind the glass. 

No. She came here for a reason. Go inside. Ask the boy how he’s been. How the food is there, is he eating enough and hydrating himself properly. If people are treating him nicely here.

But Kara is practically a stranger to him. She’s not Red Daughter. She’s not the woman Mikhail knows, she’s not his friend. But there’s an odd feeling sitting on her chest; she feels a deep familiarity with the boy, feels an intensity of emotions, of how much she (Red Daughter) had cherished her friendship and _—_

_Hey, I wanna see too! Let me se—_

It’s too much.

Kara’s resolve shakes, and she fires up into the sky in a flurry, blocking anything else that comes in her head.

Mikhail, a boy who’s too sweet and kind and innocent. Who didn’t deserve to be caught up in this mess. Who only deserved to live a peaceful, normal life with his lovely mother. 

She grits her teeth as she soars over land and ocean, wondering just what is it she is trying to achieve.

* * *

It's a Thursday night when Kara strides into L-Corp's building. She marches, and marches - she isn't sure what possessed her to (only that she actually _does_ know, her body reacting automatically when she heard that Lena is still in the office, at _eight pm_ at that), walking across the empty halls and rooms, and into the elevator. 

When the elevator comes to a close, a hand slips in just in time - reopening the sliding door of the lift. 

“Hi! Sorry, sorry,” a woman squeezes into the cubicle, smiling apologetically as she chuckles to herself, “oh, you’re…”

Oh. 

It’s Lena’s new assistant. Smiling back, Kara regards her politely and watches the woman’s face light into recognition as she holds her stack of paper files securely over her chest.

“Kara Danvers,” Kara provides. “This is our second meeting, I think.”

“Yeah! It is,” the new assistant nods rapidly (excitedly), and almost stumbles over on the flat ground. A little bit of a klutz, Kara thinks of the new assistant. “Sorry, my bad.”

“It’s okay,” Kara chuckles, tilts her head. “You’re working late.”

“Yeah, I have lots of things I need to catch up on and I want to make sure everything is all in order for everyone. Um, you’re here to see Miss Luthor, right?” The woman’s eyes flicker to the elevator buttons and spots the glow of their floor’s destination. “Oh, of course you are. My boss is still here working… oh, but you already knew that which is why you’re here… coming to visit my boss… again… and uh, I should probably stop talking.”

Kara blinks in quiet wonder, lips quirking in amusement.

Wow. An interesting contrast to Eve, she thinks. The elevator dings, and she waits for the new assistant to go out first.

“This is our floor. You go ahead first.”

“Oh, yes. Thank you!” And the new assistant scurries off quickly, already hard at work and lost into her groove.

Kara starts walking towards Lena’s office, and takes a deep breath when she reaches the door. She knocks twice before opening the door carefully, only a little less half-way.

“Hey,” she greets softly to the CEO across the room, opening the door wider when Lena looks up. “I see you still haven’t revoked my unlimited access here,” Kara says. Or jokes. 

Lena leans back on her chair. “Why would I do that?”

Kara blinks hard, heart fluttering a little. “I don’t know,” she mumbles, suddenly feeling extremely awkward and out of place as she stands by the door. And it’s true, she really _doesn’t_ know. She bites her bottom lip, fiddles with her glasses. “Just think that you probably want to see me less.”

Seconds pass, and Lena drops her pen. “Is that a serious question?”

Kara cranes her neck, rubs her shoulder gingerly. Of course it is. Then she frowns when she sees Lena’s mug filled half-way. It’s not water, obviously. Definitely not juice.

“Kara—”

“You’re drinking,” she blurts out, and looks up to meet Lena in the eye. “Sorry, uh.”

“It’s filled, but I haven’t drank from it.”

Kara finally makes her way inside the office, placing her bag down beside the seat and tentatively sits opposite of Lena. 

Lena doesn’t look at her. She swirls the alcohol around in her mug, playing with the liquid, staring at her paper files.

“It’s late, Lena… what are you up to?”

The balcony blinds are down and the whole room is captured by the dim lights, the scene seeming a little melancholy and lonely. Lena closes her laptop and plugs her charger off, piles her paper files into a stack and places it into one of her bottom drawers.

“I was just thinking.” Lena looks at her for a moment. “You know, before Lex’s death,” she says, a small, tired huff tumbling out of her mouth before she looks back to the filled glass, “he called me out on my alcohol issues.” She half-shrugs, eyes distant and narrowing and wondering. Kara grows more concerned by the second. “Runs in the family, apparently. Though it’s not entirely surprising when I really think about it. Father, when he was still here, present. Mother, who had her fair share before prison. Lex. Oh, Lex when he was still here, too.”

“Lena,” Kara says, and wonders if it would be too much if she were to reach out to Lena. It would probably be too much. Too assuming. Not okay. She keeps herself seated. Lena stares at the mug with her lips pursed, deep into frowning. “Do you miss Lex?”

“No. Not at all, and I’m glad he’s gone. Does that make me cold?”

“No,” Kara says, means it. “He wasn’t good to you. And to the people around him, to the society.” She hasn’t been good to Lena, either. Yet here she is, trying to salvage what she can left with her friend even if she doesn’t know where she stands with Lena.

“I was the one to kill him, you know.”

Kara feels herself freeze on the spot, body stiffening. 

Lena… what? 

When neither speaks, a lull draws into their space, the silence stretching and prolonging. Kara blinks, processing what Lena just said and—the longer no one speaks, the further the room fills into something heavy. Kara has to remind herself to breathe. Why hadn’t Lena told her that? No, no. She rubs her forehead, keeps her mouth tightly shut.

Lena watches Kara closely before she eventually bows her head with a sigh.

“Lena,” Kara starts slowly, doing her best not to reach out for Lena’s hand and pull her in. Rao, she used to do that a lot. She feels her head spins. Her mouth opens and closes. “He was a bad person. I can’t imagine how much pain he put you through for so many years.”

“I killed someone, Kara. Lex did _not_ have to die,” Lena disputes, studying her with a firm, cold look, but Kara finds herself staring back, unrelenting. Her features soften.

“Maybe he didn’t have to die. But what’s done is done. Lena, no prison could contain him. Nothing. I think in the end...” Kara wets her lips, leans forward a little as she shakes her head. “You did what you had to do.”

Lena doesn’t buy it. “You’re Supergirl, Kara. You’re not supposed to encourage this act and make a murderer feel better.”

Kara feels her body pull into a physical recoil, face faltering. That’s not it. No, that’s not it all. Her eyebrows tighten as it lowers. She may be Supergirl, but she’s no saint. People think of her as a God, but she’s neither perfect, nor untouchable. Lena didn’t look at her like that when she looked at Kara Danvers before. The one person in her life, who hadn’t countered her with a _aren’t you Supergirl_ or _but you’re Supergirl_ in form of dismissiveness to her issues.

She sucks in a sharp breath, fixes Lena with a steel look. “I’ve killed someone, too. He was family.” Lena visibly flinches at this, but Kara doesn’t allow this to deter her. Non, Astra’s husband. She isn’t in the position to judge. It would be hypocritical of her. Her friends have killed. J’onn. Alex. Oliver. Iris. Sara. Even Clarke himself, Superman. “It was a long time ago but I think about it every day. Lena, it’s not that I’m encouraging this. I’m just saying that you did what you had to do, what you thought was best. You saved us. He couldn’t be stopped.”

Lena runs a hand through her hair as she draws out a long, weary sigh. “There’s a lot I still don’t know about you,” she comments a moment later, gaze flickering down to her desk with a wry look. 

Kara feels her heart sink, frowns and drums her fingers on her thighs. She could change that. She _will_. She just doesn’t understand how Lena could stand to be around with someone like her, how Lena lets her. Someone who’s very much included in the list-long of people who’ve lied and betrayed Lena. 

“Do you think me less, knowing this?” Lena asks quietly.

“What do I think?” When Kara looks up, she sees vulnerableness in Lena's eyes. As if Lena cares about what Kara thinks of her, how important her thoughts are of her. “Lena. You’re my… friend,” Kara breathes slowly. “I love you. And I’ll still love you knowing… this.”

She fidgets with the fabric material of her coat, thumb circling idly at it as Lena watches her with an unreadable look, and when it continues like this without so much of a word from Lena for a while longer - Kara flushes, looking away. Was that too much? Yeah, probably too much because she can hear the pace of Lena’s heartbeat, sees in her peripheral how Lena tangles her fingers together. Oh, Rao. That wasn’t okay, was it? She didn’t mean to make Lena feel uncomfortable. Quickly, she tries to change the topic. 

“Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Lena says belatedly, moments later. Then she looks away, too. “I’ve been well-over Lex after the moment he became… not Lex. I just feel like a fool. I can’t wrack my brains figuring out why I gave him a cure in the first place.”

“You’re not a fool,” Kara says, knows it. “Family is always complicated...”

Lena sighs softly. “It is.” She looks at her wrist-watch, and winces before standing up. “It’s getting really late. I should get going. You should get going, too...”

“Can I take you home?”

“My driver’s already waiting outside the building.”

“Okay.” Kara nods, shoulders drooping. She doesn’t know why she keeps asking that, yet she still does. Lena doesn’t even like flying, isn’t a fan of it at all. And why should she allow Kara near her anyway? To be within the vicinity of her - Kara thinks she's just lucky Lena hasn’t thrown her out of the office yet. 

Lena cleans up her desk, emptying the mug away into the sink and tucks her iPad in her arms before grabbing her coat. When she sees that Kara still here, eyebrows raised up in question - Kara comes into the realization and fumbles in her seat, snapping out of her staring. 

Kara berates herself internally as she gets a move on. Rao, she feels so much like a fool.

“I’ll get going then,” she breathes, adjusting her glasses. Kara shoots her a small smile and a curt nod, and hopes it looks more of a smile than a wince.

“Kara, wait. Thank you for visiting me. And talking… that was really nice.”

Kara halts on her feet. She’d been waiting for a _why are you here,_ or a _stop visiting me,_ so in a daze she just blinks, and nods again without a word.

Lena watches her for a single moment before she turns back, letting out a soft sigh.

(They’ve been doing a lot of it with each other, lately. Sighing.

Maybe it’s a sign. But of what, Kara wonders.)

* * *

Kara knows she hasn’t been doing a good job of it: this distancing and time. Walking into L-Corp’s building, past Lena's employees and her new assistant and strolling into Lena's office like they're good friends. Actively texting Lena to meet up for lunch, for walks around the city and museums and parks.

And through it all - they share smiles, inhibited by some awkwardness and unsureties, glances of small, phantom intimacies between the stark silences.

It needs to stop, Kara thinks.

But does it really? She’s the one that’s been making assumptions here and not properly talking to Lena about things.

And the problem is this: Lena never says anything about Kara’s visits, never shows any signs of discomfort. Discouragement. Disdain. Lena always allows - always accepts everything Kara asks her out to - and Kara, for the life of her can’t find it in her to fathom and weigh the situation sound in her head. They meet and meet, Kara making all attempts to just simply spend time together like old times (which is kind of working, keyword: _kind of)_ because they still do slip into familiar grounding, into familiar talk and banter, into familiar _them._

Lena always accepts. Without so much of a show of side-eyes or weariness at the constant initial of contacts.

Kara wants to ask why so badly, but she’s afraid of pushing for answers. Honestly, she’s terrified. Of asking, and of the answer. And it feels all kinds of wrong, because this is not how they’re supposed to be like, not how _she_ is like with Lena. She usually tells Lena everything - voices out her concerns and issues, vice-versa. It’s easy with her. _Was_ easy. Now it feels like she’s in a room full of invisible laid out threads, and if she isn’t careful enough she could walk and snap a string. The simplest step could snap dozens. 

Maybe, perhaps at this point, she’s just waiting for Lena to finally crack. To have a go at Kara, to demand her of her real intentions, to tell her that she doesn’t want anything more to do with her. It’s probably what Kara deserves. But this is her _friend_ she’s talking about - Lena Luthor - and while Kara thinks she does deserve it and that it _should_ happen, she just can’t see Lena like that. Blowing up one day and shutting off all kinds of contacts with her. Or purposely leading this on like everything’s okay - only to be hurtful and spiteful in the end. 

That’s not Lena at all. Not Lena Luthor, her friend.

(Kara likes to think she knows Lena like that.

She knows Lena like that.)

Lena is usually cut-throat about everything. She hasn’t told Kara to leave her alone, to stop contacting and seeing her, or to tell her how much of a deceptive, lying awful friend she had been. 

And as this just continues, it just confuses Kara more than ever.

* * *

The dreams continue to assault her relentlessly, sometimes continuous in its nights, sometimes not. 

This time she wakes up with no recollection of the dream, face sweat-filled and body trembling as she sits upright on the bed. But there’s a deep and burning, hollow feeling clouding in her chest, not painful but an uncomfortable tingle in every beat of her heart as she claws at her chest, struggling to properly breathe and keep her heart rate controlled.

It beats so wild and fast it’s as if it’s surprised that her body is still alive and functioning, and as if she hadn’t just died—

It clicks in her head. 

She remembers the dream, now. Remembers the Kryptonite blast to her figure, the blazing course of Kryptonite running through her veins as she lay on the ground in Supergirl’s arms. And then the transitional moment between life and death.

The slip into death.

The cold, plain darkness that followed after.

Once her breathing and heartbeat calms down, she makes a trip to the bathroom and washes her face. Seconds, minutes passes before she leaves her glasses behind and slips into Supergirl, soaring the night away.

* * *

Kara makes the decision, after thinking about it for a good hour - dissecting each of the pros and cons and the success chance of asking Lena out for dinner today. On a Friday night. When Lena usually goes home from work after the appropriate end of office work shift people time. Even for overworking, billionaire genius CEOs.

It’s been three confusing weeks. 

Kara isn’t honestly sure what to expect anymore. And if she gets rejected today (which would be the first rejection from Lena), that would be okay. She wouldn’t overthink it - she’d try not to - and honestly, maybe she does need to stop overthinking every single interaction she has with her. This isn’t like her at all, but then again she often feels like she’s in foreign grounds whenever she’s in proximity to Lena. 

So, Kara’s come to the conclusion that the main problem is her. Is it? Because Lena is still the same Lena, acting how she usually is around Kara, until Kara does something stupid and act awkward and not how she usually is with Lena. But Kara can’t stop slipping into the awkwardness at times, because she still needs to ask if they’re _okay_ at all, but she’s too much of a coward and is too afraid of the answer, and she still wonders why Lena isn’t telling her to back off and give her space, and—

(It feels as if all Kara’s doing now is waiting for the impending of something.

Like for the other shoe to just finally drop.)

On her way to Lena’s office, she spots the new assistant down the hall.

“Oh, hi Miss Danvers! You sure do visit Miss Luthor a lot… seventh time now? Eighth. Often with some food but not this time? Oh, of course there’s food, I don’t see it but I can smell some chocolate... sugary coming from your bag? I mean, it’s coming from your bag, right?” the new assistant nervously chuckles, hand rubbing back her neck as she grins. “Sorry, I should stop talking now. You, you can go in! Miss Danvers, marked for unlimited access to Miss Luthor’s office… yes.” She nods to herself, fiddling with her electronic device.

Kara blinks confusedly. Tilts her head. Is this what she looks like when she fumbles around? But this is kind of like Winn’s rambling. Ah. She’s like Winn. But a woman version of Winn.

“You really do remind me of someone. It’s cute.”

The new assistant’s cheeks reddens. And there goes the spike of her heartbeat, thumping in Kara’s ears. 

Kara nods and thanks the fidgety, nervous woman before she walks to the direction of Lena’s office. And just as she’s about to make the move to open the door, it opens before she can even lay a hand on the door handle.

Lena blinks in surprise. “Hey…”

“Oh. Lena, uh. Hi,” Kara says, almost recoiling away because Lena’s suddenly a little too close, and as always smells very lovely and looks impeccable and so graceful that she radiates so gorgeously too bright, and. Kara lightly clears her throat. “Sorry for dropping by unannounced. Again. I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me, since we both just finished work…”

A step back, she fiddles with her glasses and waits for Lena’s answer. As seconds pass, Kara finds herself wishing for that rejection she’s been waiting for, _wanting_ for, and. Lena just watches her simply, eyes intense like she’s searching for something in Kara’s.

Decline. Decline. Say that you don’t want anything to do with me anymore.

(Kara tells herself to _stop this_. 

Why is she beating herself up like this?)

“Okay.” 

“Okay?”

Kara lights up visibly, releases the breath she didn’t know she was holding. Dims herself down, and feels herself flushing when Lena smiles, the smile growing into something warm and _familiar_ as she watches her.

“Why are you like this…” Lena mutters under her breath and walks pass Kara before closing the lights in her office.

“Like what?” Kara catches up to her, waves a little when she catches the new assistant’s gaze down by the hall.

“Like the way that you are.”

“Um, is that a bad thing.”

Lena turns to look at her before waving her assistant goodbye and pressing the elevator button.

“No.”

Kara huffs confusedly and scratches her eyebrow as a smile spreads across her face. The semblance of familiarity washes over them as they look at each other, regard each other something akin to fondness. 

(She tries not to get overly excited, with the reminder digging in her chest that things are still undefined between them, and that they still need to talk about some things.)

-

They have dinner. 

They have dinner and Kara orders some meat and pasta and Lena orders pasta and greens - a _lot_ of greens on the side, and. 

“Try it, Kara,” Lena urges, fork full of kale, and Kara has half the mind to fling the fork’s content into the organics bin she sees just about twenty metres away from the restaurant. She’s a good shot, don’t test her. “I promise you it’ll taste different. I even dipped it into cheese sauce.”

“You always say it’ll be different this time, but I always end up almost gagging every time.” Kara’s mouth tilts into a little frown.

“You’ve yet to try kale with cheese sauce. It’ll drown out the taste. Come on,” Lena prompts, a smirk growing across her lips as she waves her fork. 

Different day, same outcome. And Kara, being the hopeless fool she’s always been for Lena, takes it anyway.

She opens her mouth and already laments for what’s to come. Lena leans across the table and slips in the bane of Kara’s existence into her mouth. 

And rapidly the taste of fresh, leafy greens melts into Kara’s tongue. 

Kara doesn’t chew. 

Lena lets out a light laugh. “Kara,” she starts slowly, tilts her head to the side, and it’s familiar. Her eyes form their pretty crescents, and that’s familiar, too. With pink cheeks, the gummy smile she sends exposes her signature dimples and it’s familiar in every kind of way and it knocks the air out of Kara’s lungs. “When you take food into your mouth, you chew unless it’s liquid soup.”

Kara blushes deeply and buries her face onto the table, arms over her head. The cheese isn’t enough to drown the leafy flavours. It was a total scam. She can swallow this, she reckons. She can.

(She does.)

At this, Lena just laughs more, hand reaching across the table to pat Kara on the arm. Kara looks back up, sees Lena’s smile melting into a smile that’s usually reserved only for _her._

And there it is again, slipping back into intimate grounding in the way that feels like _them,_ just _them_ , and it’s only when they step outside of the restaurant that Kara realizes the semblance of familiarity weighing back in the uninhibited laughs they let out, the easy-going smiles and smirks that have them bantering, and.

Lena. 

Lena looks up at her and Kara holds her eyes for a moment, thinks that maybe if she looks hard enough, she might find something to dethrone the growing pessimist in her. Maybe if she looks hard enough, she might see the way she looks at Lena being reflected back at her.

But all she sees is a smile that is all too familiar and warm and gentle, and. Kara tries not to read too much into it, she really tries, but - she's neither blind, nor oblivious. She's failing hard _hard,_ and lets all too easily for that smile to consume her whole, throwing her back into the pits of familiar grounding, and.

( _Pay attention, or you'll keep on hurting yourself for no reason._ )

It just shakens her further, turns her into a bundle of all things confusing and troubled and full of hope.

* * *

Kara makes another round trip to Kaznia to see Mikhail.

Up in the dark sky, high where no one can see her, she stays hovering above as she sorts out her thoughts. She really wonders, at this point, of what Red Daughter would think of her. How many times has she come here only to end up cowering out? 

Too many times.

With a deep sigh, she closes her eyes and lets herself memorize the beat of Mikhail’s heart. He’s sleeping, she can tell easily. With the slow, decreased rhythm of his heart, he’s comfortable. No nightmares. As she stays in her spot, she gets lost in the passing of time until there’s a change in the sound, his heart rate coming into a slow rise—telling in a way that he’s to wake up soon.

And before she knows it, she finds herself flying back to National City, convincing herself for the nth time of _next times_ for Mikhail.

* * *

She dreams again on another night. 

This time the sequence is different. This time there are familiar faces and voices, the sounds of something muffled, distorted in its deliverance as it echoes around her figure. She’s aware that it’s a dream, knowing of what’s to come but she can’t put it to a stop. 

First comes the violent spinning of the pod and its space closing in, the air being sucked out of her lungs as she struggles to grasp for something—anything. Then a deep man’s voice—broken Kryptonian flowing messily in hushed tones that tries to sound soothing. The banging of the door, the disappearance of Jeremiah. Tears and broken, choked sobs follow after, from Alex and Eliza behind closed doors when they think Kara is sleeping. 

No, no. This needs to stop. But Kara can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t stop this string of nightmare. She slams her eyes shut hoping for some break, a small breather, at least, until she hears a smooth glide of a sound. Green. Glowing brightly, a sword plunges through Astra’s chest. Thick blood pours out of her body, smearing all over Kara’s hands. Non, his body bruised and burnt, lifeless in front of Kara. Red Kryptonite. Piercing Alex with words, then an attempt on Cat Grant’s life.

No, no, no. She can’t stop this. Why hasn’t she woken up yet? It’s just a dream. No. It’s _just_ a dream, but they come from past real events. It shouldn’t hurt her, but it _does,_ and finally with a sharp gasp - she springs upwards with tears rolling down her cheeks, head reeling in complete disorientation. 

Everything felt real. It _was_ real.

She gets up shakily, hand massaging her chest as she feels for her heart that still beats and beats. She takes wobbling steps into the bathroom and turns on the tap on the sink. Splashes water on her face, rinses her mouth.

This shouldn’t be happening. It’s becoming frequent. She used to have awful dreams every day when she first landed here on Earth. It’s lessen throughout the years. And now it’s back, more frequent than ever.

Somehow it’s always her family that gets hurt. They get hurt because of her. 

Anyone who gets close to Kara Danvers eventually gets hurt. Ruined. It’s always been like that, hasn’t it? Only this time, more recently she’d ruined things for Mikhail. His mother. Red Daughter. If she had been stronger, Red Daughter would still be alive. Mikhail. He wouldn’t be alone in this world if Red Daughter and his mother hadn’t died. Lena. Oh, she knows she hurt Lena deeply even if Lena won’t tell her just how much, or show it. She’s been way too kind, too understanding. Kara doesn’t deserve such a friend like Lena.

Words slithers itself into Kara’s head, sharp and unsolicited. 

_Everything you touch, you ruin._

A man’s voice. Steve.

 _No_ , she won't fall for that. Hands still trembling, she wipes her face with a towel, changes into some clothes and decides to take a walk at night alone instead of going back to sleep.

* * *

Kara’s lost count of how many times she's found herself up here, hovering high up above, looking down below at the double storey house where Mikhail resides at.

Enough cowering out, enough with the delays. If Red Daughter were still alive to see this, she’d laugh at her and perhaps find her pitiful. Would she? Kara knows how this looks.

The sun is starting to set on this side of the world, gracing the land with golden sunset rays.

She touches down on the ground, feeling trepidation seep into her bones the closer she gets to the voice that sings cheerfully in her ears. No more backing out.

Kara isn’t sure how much Mikhail knows, or if he knows anything at all of what's happened around him.

 _Yes! It’s my turn to play, but we can play together. This is a two player game._ Mikhail giggles freely, hands drumming excitedly on something wooden. Kara feels her heart warm at the sound. _Oh, ew. Snot—don’t get your snot on the screen!_

Kara takes a deep shuddering breath as she stands in front of the door of the house.

_Wait, I forgot to check today’s mail in the box! Hold on and don’t start without me._

The pit pat of running and laughing, it draws nearer and nearer until—

The door opens and Kara watches the young boy in front of her with bated breath. Mikhail’s eyes widen, lets out a gasp before he lunges straight for her, colliding into her.

“Hi! I hadn’t seen you in a while… how did you find me? I missed you!” The young boy wraps his arms around her waist tightly, face burying into her chest. He speaks so fast that leaves Kara in a slight daze, trying to process and understand each and every word. There’s no room for misunderstanding here. “Where have you been? You’re… you’re her? Have you been Supergirl this entire time? You always wore that grey uniform thing before.”

Is he under the impression that Red Daughter is Supergirl? Red Daughter never said anything about her being Supergirl during her time with Mikhail. Right.

“Mikhail,” Kara starts slowly, voice a little scratchy. She clears her throat before pushing him away gently with her hands on his shoulders. Bends down on one knee to the ground while he watches her curiously. If Kara weren’t feeling so shaky and nervous, she’d find the sight adorable.

She contemplates for a moment, careful in her selection of words.

“I have some things you need to know. Need to tell you about. I’m not sure how much you know.”

The young boy nods slowly before tilting his head, nose wrinkling. “You smell different. And your accent’s off. What happened to your accent?”

Kara looks away for a moment, biting her lip before focusing back on Mikhail.

“Listen,” she starts, thumb brushing his shoulder as if to prepare him for the huge disappointment - which she _is -_ “I’m not _her_. I’m not your friend, and I’m not exactly the person you know.”

“What?” Mikhail blinks rapidly, confusedly. “I’m not understanding.”

She doesn’t know how to explain this. 

She expels a deep exhale. “That person you knew? She’s... no longer here, Mikhail. She died protecting me from a bad man. I believe you know that man. He went by the name Lex Luthor.” 

“She’s, what? Gone? Why—what happened to her? What? I don’t understand.” Tears start to form in Mikhail’s eyes, and Kara takes hold of him when his knees wobble. Arms wrap around Kara’s torso and soon, the boy is sobbing messily on her chest. “But why? She—I already lost my mother. She was my only friend.”

Kara breathes unsteadily.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, feeling something stinging in her eyes as she rubs the boy’s back in an attempt to soothe him. Hot tears continue to spill down his cheeks as he buries his head further into her chest, his breath wheezing in and out of his tiny frame.

Kara closes her eyes, feels a familiar swell in her heart for this boy. It never gets easier, delivering disappointing news. To citizens, to friends, to loved ones. She wonders if she’ll ever get used to this. What would Red Daughter think of this sight? Kara wonders if Red Daughter would approve of meeting her friend.

“I’m so, so sorry about your mother, too. She didn’t deserve to be caught up in this. None of you did.”

Mikhail pulls back and searches into her eyes. His eyes are puffy and red from crying, nose runny as he hiccups. “That same bad man... His men, they came into our home and destroyed everything,” he whispers, voice cracking and shaky. “I don’t have anyone left anymore. Can you tell me about my old friend?”

Her heart sinks for him. She tells him everything she can. 

* * *

Kara blows her powers out.

She blows her powers out from overuse in a fight against a high-level rogue alien and now - she's currently stuck in the med-bay, body feeling heavy and sore all over.

She supposes at some point, it was going to happen sooner or later. These past few weeks have been dragging her by the feet roughly, exhausting her in and out. If she’s going to be honest, she knows exactly why. She hasn’t been doing a very good job at taking care of herself and she understands that she’s all to blame. 

And if she has to find the root of the problem, the reason why her powers had blown out, she supposes it’s the severe lack of sleep—the accumulated days of sleepless nights contributing to what led her to this state. It’s irresponsible, she thinks, if she’s to be hard on herself. She knows she needs to take care of herself. All the time. Lives depend on her everyday. 

“Your arm,” Alex observes her attentively, brows furrowing as she examines Kara. “You’re very lucky it didn’t break. No pain? Elevate it for me again and move it around circularly—yes like that. Keep going. Okay, good.”

“I’m okay.” Kara rubs her forehead tiredly. “Nothing hurts. Just a little tired. And it’s just a typical solar flare here, I think.”

“Yeah, it appears so.” Alex scratches her head, studies her closely. Her look softens. “Have you been sleeping well? You haven’t been looking too good, Kara. Nia’s been telling me things.” 

Kara feels antsy by the concerned look. She hesitates. Even if she tells her sister, it’s not like her sister can help. She’ll only bring worry and concern to her. Not now.

Talking isn’t that much effective. Pills don’t work on her - she’s been through this already in the past. Alex knows she has troubles with sleep. Eventually it gets better. Or she gets used to it. Kara just has to keep managing herself as best as she can - easing into it as she hopes it gets better.

“I _have_ been running a little low on sleep. But not to worry though, plenty of sleep to catch up to when you’re a superhero who’s just solar flared, right?” she sends her sister a wry chuckle, but Alex isn’t so entertained by it. And Alex, face twisting into quizzical worry as she places a comforting hand over Kara’s lap - before she could voice out a follow-up on that, Kara speaks first. “So, no sun bed for me. I should go home. Before the Director outside these glass walls gives me the stink eye.” Alex raises an eyebrow up. Kara shrugs. “I could really use some sleep right now.”

Alex eventually gives in after a moment of studying Kara again, running a hand through her hair as she grimaces. “Alright, fine. But text me when you get home? You know the rules when you’ve solar flared.”

“Yup, and I will text. Thanks, Alex.”

* * *

The next morning comes the time for Lena to release the first official announcement regarding L-Corp’s future plans and its new medical techs. Many people have gathered, people of all kinds—reporters, journalists, politicians, scientists, citizens, and of course, security and police.

Kara stands at the back with the audience and Nia. Nia’s tasked to get an exclusive interview from Lena after the speech. Privileges of being good friends, Kara supposes. It’s nice to see both her friends get along very well in work and outside of work.

She rubs her hands together fast from the cold, shivering a little. She’s on sick leave from work (no thanks to Alex, ever the worrying sister) so she’s just here for moral support for the both of them (even if Lena doesn’t know she’s here). 

Lena continues her speech, her words flowing brilliantly, clever and precise on her intentions to not only L-Corp’s future, but also the advancement of science and medical technology. Life goes on for Lena and her company, regardless of her brother’s death.

“She’s amazing,” Nia whispers beside Kara as she holds her bag and recorder close to her chest. Kara nods absentmindedly, mesmerized. Lena looks exceptional up there with her speech, like a leader. She _is_ a leader.

Then the crowd erupts in cheers, clapping as reporters and journalists wave their hands up in the air frantically with questions streaming from their mouths. Cameras snap and flash relentlessly. Mentions of _Lex Luthor_ are yelled, unsurprisingly.

“Well, I should go get my interview now, seems it’s about to end.” Nia gives her a quick hug and an utter of thanks for tagging along. There’s no need for that but Kara just nods, telling her to do her best.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me? Lena would love to see you, you know that,” Nia says, not letting go just quite yet.

“No, it’s fine. I think she’s going to be too swamped with work and the press here,” she reasons, and wipes away the tiny, faint smudge of chocolate on Nia’s cheek that came from snacking earlier. “Now go get that interview.”

“Okay. If you say so, Kara.”

And as Nia starts to walk away, Kara gets hit by the urge to follow her friend. To go walk towards Lena, too. To come up to Lena, wrap her in a quick hug. To tell her that she did a fantastic speech and that she’s utterly proud of her. It’s been months and Lena continues to look forward, doing what she does best with her brilliant mind. Despite the incident with her family _and_ Kara _._

But Kara knows Lena. Nothing has been easy. She knows Lena has her struggles. Lena is so strong.

Kara turns to the opposite direction instead, feels her entire being shiver. Not from the cold this time, but from the thought of how a little awkward and odd it would be to go there and do just that. _Would_ it be awkward? And would it be so bad, though? Maybe Lena wouldn’t appreciate seeing Kara in her current tight schedule. Kara knows that Lena could use more time and breather for herself. So she continues walking further and further away, hoping that Nia’s interview would be a smooth and successful process for them both.

She sighs softly, gives her collar a tug as she turns to the direction of her apartment. 

A tiny raindrop falls on her brow. Looking up at the sky, the crescent moon - subtle in its glow with the sun still present, hides behind the darkened gray clouds that blankets the city almost whole.

Another drop falls on her, and another one. Until it starts to rain. 

Well. Blown out powers and no car. Chuckling to herself wryly, she watches dozens of people run towards a shade, hailing for taxi cabs and pulling out their phones. She could hail for one, or call someone to pick her up. But she ultimately decides against it. Her apartment’s just fifteen minutes walk. It’s not that bad. 

Except it is, when, as if the scattered, dark stormy clouds heard her, the light rain turns into something heavier and harsher as it descends down to the city.

Lovely. Kara rubs her eyes behind her glasses, groans. Neat-o. Perfect.

Taking a deep breath, she allows the rain to soak her face and her whole figure. Face tipped up, every raindrop feels so cold and heavy. But there’s a small yet strange sense of feeling, that reminds her that she is still here. 

Alive. 

She raises a hand up to her chest and spreads her hand wide, feeling her own heartbeat just to be extra sure. It’s persistent; the nagging empty, dull feeling that creeps into her chest every now and then.

It’s weird. Kara can’t shake off the memory of Red Daughter’s slip into death in her head and heart—it’s as if she went through it herself ever since the merge of their powers and memories. In a way, this whole thing makes sense. Red Daughter’s memories live on inside her.

The phone in her coat’s pocket must be drenched at this point, the rain washing all over her freely. When she passes by another pedestrian crossing, she wonders how long she’s been walking now.

Several moments later, an expensive, fancy car pulls over next to the kerb. It comes into a slow stop as the backseat window rolls down.

“Hey,” comes a familiar voice, warm and smooth. Like the sun gentle with its rays, shining on your skin on a cold day. The kind of voice to sink in as it wraps you up. Kara turns to see Lena. Lena looks the same as she did in her speech, beautiful and breathtaking and not like a drowned rat like Kara probably looks like right now. “I was looking for you. Nia told me you came with her.”

Kara feels the dull thud of her heart switch into something more alive - alert as she stares into those pretty emerald-green eyes.

“Oh…” She stays standing on the pavement, her clothes getting more soaked by the second.

Why did Lena come looking for her? The interviews must’ve gone pretty quick.

Suddenly Kara feels chilly, a wave of something biting and unpleasant surfacing in her chest as her breathing becomes uneven. Curling her toes, she tries to feel the touch of the ground. The wetness of her shoe, how her socks stick on her skin. The sense that she is still here and okay. She breathes slowly. Why is it so cold and confusing outside?

Perhaps she should’ve just taken a cab.

“Kara?”

Lena watches her and studies her closely, eyes flickering from her head to toe and brows furrowing in deep concern. There’s something brewing intensely in her eyes that makes Kara look away, hands balling into fists in her pocket. She hears a slight rip of fabric. She unclenches.

“The rain won’t be stopping anytime soon…” Lena says, so soft and gentle like she’s afraid of breaking the stillness of the air despite the loud heavy rain hitting the pavement. Kara wonders why Lena’s speaking like that. “Won’t you come inside and sit with me for a bit?”

Kara hesitates, licks her lips as she fiddles with the fabric of her coat’s pockets. She’s soaking wet. She’s going to make a huge mess of Lena’s car. She’s going to burden Lena of making a quick tour to drop Kara off at her own apartment. And then Lena will be stuck drying off the wet mess she’ll make. 

She bows her head, frowns. Yeah, she should have just called a cab. “I don’t want to make a mess in your car.”

Lena arches an eyebrow up, holds her gaze with Kara intensely. Obviously not an answer Lena is much impressed with. But there’s a look of concern and worry in Lena’s eyes that draws a suffocating, sharp stinging in Kara’s chest. Kara feels utterly like crap, so she supposes she looks as she feels.

“Kara.”

“Okay.”

Kara gets in and Lena moves away from her original seat, settling herself to the middle of the backseat instead for Kara. And not even five seconds into her spot, Kara’s surroundings are drenching wet; the leather seat and flooring already splotched by her wet clothes. Closing the door, she stays still, eyes cast down but straight ahead of her, hands on her lap. 

There’s a shift of weight to her right — “Seatbelts,” Lena says, reaching out for the seatbelt and Kara feels herself stiffen. Seatbelts. It’d be a ridiculous gesture if Kara had her powers. She keeps quiet anyway, feeling too uncomfortable and embarrassed of her current situation.

Lena’s finger makes an accidental brush at Kara’s cheek when she pulls for the seatbelt, and it causes Kara to flinch at the sudden warmth and soft brush of contact to her skin. “Sorry,” Lena says quietly, hesitating for a moment before clicking the seatbelt right into place. She tells Frank, her driver to go on.

Kara wants to laugh at the apology. She almost does. She’s making things weird and awkward again isn’t she, she thinks, because Lena is being as weird and awkward and off with her.

Silence falls between them for the next few minutes until Kara feels a slight movement again at her right. There’s already some wet parts to Lena’s left side and her clothes. Rao, she’s really made a mess in her car. 

“We’re going to mine.”

-

Kara dries herself with a towel in Lena’s bathroom and drops her heavy, drenched clothes to the floor tile one by one into a pile. Next to her hangs a set of clean, dry clothes that Lena gave to her to wear just minutes ago. She wears them on, feels a little silly when her face heats at the familiar scent imbued on Lena’s clothes.

Walking out of the bathroom, she sees Lena sat on the couch, fiddling with her phone and iPad.

She isn’t really sure what to say.

“Thank you for the ride and clothes.” Lena glances up at her. Kara clears her throat. “Bad luck with the weather today. Or I should’ve checked. I blew out my powers two days ago.”

“I see. How does… that work?”

“Um, I blew out from overuse. When I solar flare it usually only takes me a few days to get it back. I guess I should really just get myself a car, like you always used to tell me,” she says, chuckling and adjusting her glasses as she awkwardly stands in Lena’s living room. A sigh. There’s no need to wear glasses here. “Alex would go into shock if I decided to buy one for myself. And then she’d probably panic a little, ‘cos you know me and my driving skills.”

Lena smiles, shakes her head a little. And that’s all the encouragement Kara needs to walk towards Lena, settling herself comfortable next to the woman on the couch. And the moment she sits, Lena drapes her blanket over Kara’s lap, both now sharing the same blanket. 

“I still think you should,” Lena shrugs and sets her devices down, hands now over her lap. “Have you eaten? Can I get you anything?”

“Ah, I’ve eaten already… have you?”

“I have.”

Then it’s quiet for a moment, the silence accompanied by inactivity in the room. Until Lena shifts on the couch, moving into Kara in a way that there’s no space between them. Nuzzling into Kara’s side. 

Kara hesitates before she wraps an arm around Lena’s shoulder, pulling Lena closer from sheer force of habit and breathing her in. It happens before she can even come to process it. 

Space, in Kara’s opinion, is a word made up by someone who’s afraid to get too close. The heavy lack of physical contact with Lena these past weeks strikes her then - a blow awfully heavy like a thousand anvils just dropped in, weighing on her chest.

“Earlier before… why didn’t you come with Nia and say hi?” Lena mutters into her shoulder, sighing.

“Oh, um,” Kara blinks, wets her lips. “You had the interview and other stuff going on. Didn’t really want to disturb any of it.” It’s the truth. 

Lena tips her head, looks up at Kara. Their faces are so close.

A beat of silence. “I’m sorry. I know our communication hasn’t been… stellar these past weeks. But you know that… we’re still okay, right?”

One of them shifts—Kara—and as if her heart comes into a stutter and a full restart—she finds herself trapped under Lena’s intense, yet warm gaze. A hand covers her own underneath their blanket.

“Are we?” she asks quietly, voice almost cracking as she is genuinely unsure and a little (very) frightened of the answer.

“Yeah,” Lena expels a soft exhale, “we are,” she says with soft insistence, tugging Kara closer. She regards Kara with that same familiar tender gaze before nuzzling back on Kara's side. “Always.”

Kara bites the inside of her cheek, flushes. “Always,” she echoes, feels the word deeply, thrumming in her chest.

Why does this sound so simple though? It can’t be that simple. That’s easy. Too easy, but then again Kara thinks that nothing has ever been hard when it comes to Lena. Because they sync so well together naturally, it’s easy and comfortable. _Them_. Does it need to be hard or easy? She bows her head, sighs.

“I’m the one who should be sorry. I keep making things awkward, too. And I wasn’t sure if you appreciated me bothering you anymore after all the lies and that night I told you I was Supergirl. But you already knew...”

“Like I said,” Lena utters against her shoulder, “the little communication comes from my end, too. Like you, I didn’t know what to do either. I’m still not sure, but. Let’s… not do that. It’s not us. I just need you to know that we’re still okay.”

“Okay,” Kara says belatedly, her free hand rubbing the back of her head as she worries her bottom lip. That’s true. The little communication and the hesitancies - it’s not them at all.

They’re okay. It’s still them. It’s always going to be _them_. Is it? Lena says that they’re okay, that they always will be, but why does Kara still feel conflicted and unsure? 

(There’s an odd little nudge in the back of her brain, almost like a tickle - a whisper of _something_ asking her to make a realization that she can’t quite yet connect.

Or actively refuses to explore in fear of what she may find.)

“So,” Lena says after a while, her hand playing with Kara’s fingers. “It’s a little too early to sleep, don’t you think? We _can_ start some of that talking now though. Won’t you tell me about yourself… about your home planet, if you’re comfortable?”

A spread of warmth fills Kara’s heart up.

She wavers for a bit, but eventually, she begins talking. Krypton, the trip to Earth, meeting the Danvers—as much as the night allows her to, she tells Lena everything. Even when the sun comes up through the window, Lena does not cease her conversation with Kara. It’s endless yet warm. There’s a blanket of security knowing it’s only the two of them here, shuttled together on Lena’s couch with one sheet to cover them both. 

Somewhere along the way, Lena falls asleep with her head on Kara's lap, hands curled around her thigh right above her knee. Kara runs her fingers through Lena's hair until she falls off into sleep as well, too exhausted to think about anything except Lena, and just Lena.

* * *

When her powers come back two days later, the first thing she does is fly back to Kaznia with a box full of doughnuts. 

She lands on the backyard, already spotting Mikhail alone playing with his soccer ball. Mikhail spots her just as quickly. He stands still for a few seconds before he takes his ball with him, darting towards her. 

“Hi,” he greets simply, seemingly a little hesitant before pulling Kara into a hug.

Kara’s last visit here was when she told Mikhail about his mother and Red Daughter. Mikhail spent most of the time crying, not that he could be blamed—being confronted by the hard truth of what happened to his loved ones. And Kara had to spend a few extra hours comforting the boy until he was no longer crying and was feeling better; she couldn’t leave him out just like that.

“Um, I’m really sorry for getting your cape and suit all gross and wet before,” the young boy says, rubbing the back of his neck as he pulls back. Then in an instant he eyes at the box of doughnuts in her hand, head tilting curiously.

“It’s okay, don’t be sorry about that. How are you feeling?” 

“Right now? I feel better, that’s for sure. But it still hurts.”

Kara pulls him into a hug, sighs. She holds him, keeps her hold on him until Mikhail pulls back. A grumbling sound erupts from his stomach.

“Well,” Kara says, ruffles his hair as Mikhail twists into a shy grin. “I bought this for you and your friends here, but seeing as they’re not here, we can eat this together. Is that okay for you?”

“Yes.” Mikhail nods rapidly, eyes trained at the doughnuts. Kara chuckles softly.

They sit down on a large log, watching the clouds and occasional planes pass by. Mikhail looks like he’s in better shape, but Kara knows better. He’s grieving and mourning for his losses.

As time passes, Mikhail talks about his time here and what he’s been up to, occasionally slipping in mentions of how his mother was like. He misses her so, so much; it doesn’t take an expert to be able to tell this.

“Supergirl, how long does it take for you to fly from National City to here?” he asks, biting into the last doughnut.

“It depends. In seconds, in minutes,” Kara answers, taking the empty box. “I always have to be careful with my speed.”

Mikhail hums, face thoughtful. “That’s really cool.” He looks at her. “Are you cold? It can get really cold around here, you know.”

Kara smiles softly, shakes her head. “No. I don’t get cold.”

“Oh. Wow.” Mikhail rubs his hands together, sways his legs up and down in the air. “So, um. I started picking up some books. The adults here are nice. They have lots of books in possession and they urge me to read new books every now and then.”

“Really? What kind of books have you been reading?”

Mikhail breaks into a wide grin and starts telling her about the current book he’s reading. He speaks so fast that Kara chuckles, feeling herself grow a certain fondness for the sweet kid. She hadn’t pegged Mikhail to be someone who enjoys books. She likes that for him.

It still feels odd to be in here, if she thinks about it. And a little out of place, even. But it makes sense - given that hanging out was more of a Mikhail and Red Daughter thing. But Kara thinks the young boy is starting to warm up to her just as she, to him. 

She thinks she’s made a friend in him. She wonders how happy Red Daughter would be if she were still here. 

* * *

“Kara, think fast.”

Kara looks up, and, if it weren’t for her super-speed in the last split-second, the single plump strawberry fruit would have landed right on her face. She catches the strawberry with ease - which doesn’t get crushed, thankfully - and when she glances up to see the attacker, she sees a beaming grin on Nia’s face.

“Nia,” Kara chuckles, and inspects the plump and ripe looking strawberry fruit on her hand. “Nice strawberry.” Then the phone in her other hand buzzes, and Kara looks down again. 

“Hey,” Nia walks towards her, but Kara’s too absorbed by her phone. “Oh, man. Don’t tell me you’re staring at pictures of you and Lena again.” Nia doesn’t make the move to take a peek, but there’s a coy amused smile playing across her lips.

“That was _one_ time, Nia,” Kara mumbles under her breath with a huff. “ _One_ time. And no, I wasn’t. I was texting Alex.”

“Right,” Nia says drily, so very convinced.

“You wanna see our convo? Here—”

“Okay, I was just joking. I believe you,” Nia giggles, popping another bite of strawberry into her mouth. When Kara finally takes a good look at her friend, she sees a bag of strawberries cradled by Nia’s arms.

“That’s a lot of strawberries,” Kara remarks. She takes a big nib on the strawberry she was given just a moment ago. The taste melts into her tongue, barely tasting like water. Kara approves of Nia’s good eye for picking the quality ones. “Why do you have so many?”

Nia grins. “They were on sale, so I bought a bunch. Strawberries are expensive, man.”

Kara lets out a laugh, agrees. “That’s true. Hey, are we still on for coffee later after work?”

“Oh, about that.” Nia grimaces, gets to her wheely chair and glides across the floor, to Kara’s desk. She beckons for Kara to have more strawberries - to which Kara does all too happily. “I’m going to have to skip on that, something came up with Brainy. Said he needed to show me something important.”

Kara frowns. “Aw, what? I thought we were bros. Nia, I thought we had a code. What was that saying again? Bros before hoses?”

“Hoses?” Nia echoes a little too loudly, squinting at her. Luckily most of their colleagues are out for their break right now or else they’d be joining in.

But was Kara wrong? She keeps up with the millennial phrases. She's cool like that.

(She gets them all from Nia and her memes.

But that's beside the point.)

“Oh, hoe. You mean hoes.” Kara doesn’t miss the slight quirk of Nia’s lips. “Are you calling Brainy a hoe, Kara?” she gasps, hands to her chest, actually looking _hurt_ and confused.

Kara rolls her eyes, not falling for it one bit. “Nia. You literally used the same saying against me a while ago, indirectly calling Lena a hoe.”

Nia simply shrugs. “You guys are so deeply inseparable, it's cute,” she says, grinning at Kara’s frown. “Okay but in all seriousness, it’s an important thing I have to see to.”

“So much for bro codes, but I believe you. I’ll believe you more if you hand me more strawberries.”

“I have plenty, so please do take more,” Nia laughs, placing the container on the desk for Kara. “Consider this box as a sorry from me having to cancel on our coffee run.”

* * *

It’s a little later when Kara accidentally meets Lena (really, an accidental meeting - she was taken off-guard when Lena poked her on the shoulder from the behind in the queue line, greeted by a dazzling smile when she turned around) at Noonan’s in the late evening, just thirty minutes before the store closes.

Lena’s inside ordering her coffee as Kara stands outside, waiting for Lena with her own coffee in hand.

“Hey,” Lena steps outside, the bell ringing by the door as it closes behind her.

“Using my go-to coffee store now, are you.”

“ _My’_?” Lena scoffs softly, a small smile forming. “Well then, it’s ours now,” she shrugs. “I like the coffee here. And it’s not too far off my penthouse, so the walk is nice.”

Kara hums, beginning to walk when Lena beckons for her to follow up.

“Where are you headed off to now?”

“Back to my penthouse.”

“Oh.”

“What about you?”

“Mm, no particular place in mind, really. I just wanted to take a walk outside and grab something to drink. Nia ditched me today for Brainy.”

Lena looks at Kara for a moment before she fixes her black rim glasses and casts her black cap lower, hiding a part of her face. The simple, casual yet effective look that fools everyone into thinking she’s anyone else but Lena Luthor walking in the streets.

“Mm. Then let’s take a walk around together.” Lena nudges her by the shoulder, a hint of a smirk on her lips. “I hadn’t seen you for quite a while.”

Kara flushes, takes a sip of her cup. “If your definition of ‘a while’ is five days, then remind me to come meet with you more often.”

“You’ve known me for how many years now? I’d never be opposed to it.”

Kara bows her head low, feels her face heat further as Lena watches her simply, smiling softly looking very amused.

Does Lena say this kind of stuff on purpose?

(She does. She always does, and by now Kara should be used to these casual throws of uninhibited inwardness from her best friend but it never gets easier.)

“Then I should,” she says, airily, almost muffled by the lid of her cup before she takes another sip.

There’s a huge park ahead across the road, or more like a huge field. A number of people stroll about in the pathway as a few others are jogging in simple sportswear and gear. In the middle of the oval, puppies and their owners lounge around, playing catch and interacting with other owners. 

Kara watches, smiles at one particular sprinting tiny puppy, a corgi, charging fast towards its owner with a tennis ball in its mouth.

“By the way… Kelly is thinking of having another girls’ night next week on Saturday. It looks like she’s really settled herself comfortably here in National City,” Kara mentions, smile turning into a grin as she remembers Alex helping Kelly buy new furniture weeks ago. She strokes the lid of her cup before she takes another sip. “Will you come?”

“That’s nice to hear. Sure.” Lena hums, fixes her black cap again. A beat later. “Will you be there?”

“Yeah.” Kara throws a curious glance at Lena. “Why, afraid the life of the party won’t be present?”

That draws a soft chuckle from Lena. “Who else is going to be my partner for the drinking games and other games?”

“You could be with Nia,” Kara points out. “I mean, we _are_ uneven in numbers and she’s always paired off with Alex and Kelly, or sometimes with us. Unless we randomize pairings. And for once it wouldn’t be uneven and she wouldn’t feel like she’s double third-wheeling.”

“Double third-wheeling? What?” Lena questions with a huff, amusement in the lilt of her voice and looks at Kara curiously - seeming very enthralled by this information.

“Well… yeah,” Kara nods, scratches her neck and clears her throat. “Nia’s words, not mine. She jokes about it, a little teasing here and there but I feel bad because I think she does feel like that at times.” 

She nibbles lightly on the lid of her cup, wonders how she and Lena look like to other people. Their close friends don’t really question them about their closeness (at least - not anymore), or wonder out loud about the lengths they’d go for each other. They keep to themselves. Kara’s really glad for it, loves them for that.

“Maybe we should have an exception to girls’ night then? One boy. Her boy,” Lena suggests, grinning with a tilt to her head. 

“I don’t know,” Kara chuckles, thinks about it. “She was opposed to having any guys before so I guess she truly doesn’t mind that it’s just us five.”

A lull comes in their conversation for the next few minutes, comfortable and nice as they walk.

“Kara?”

“Yes?” Kara looks at her, sees that Lena’s cup is already empty in her hand. 

“Does Kelly… know about you?”

Vaguely said, but Kara understands the question. It’s an innocent question. Yet the words, spoken in quiet unsurety surge into her chest and Kara feels herself hit by a pang of guilt.

“No,” she answers seconds later, tips her head low and shoves her free hand in her pocket. “I don’t see a reason for her to know. There’s no need to drag her into… my messy life. I can’t go around telling everyone who I’m close with who I am. Though I’d imagine she’d also feel… unhappy with the secrecy if she were to find out. Which is perfectly reasonable, makes sense - given how much we’ve all grown close with her in these past months.”

And it hits Kara then. Of course there’s also the part where most of their friends knew while Lena hadn’t. Kara feels even worse, why hasn’t she apologized for that? Gripping her own empty cup a little tighter as they walk - there’s a shift of movement to her left, and here she feels more than sees Lena’s gaze. 

“Um, Lena—”

Lena must sense her inner fraught and the words she’s about to say because the next thing Kara knows is that before she gets to talk further, a hand as big as her own slips into her pocket, covering her own hand and giving it a tender squeeze.

“It’s okay,” Lena shakes her head, and Kara finally turns to look at Lena. “I just wanted to know so I don’t step over anything. You know, I’ve already talked to Alex, James, and Nia. They all came to me individually and talked to me about it after you told me about yourself long ago.”

“Wait, what? Really?” Kara lifts the back of her hand to adjust her glasses. She hadn’t known about that. And they all had to apologize because they had to keep _her_ secret. The guilt churning in her chest rises back up and she tries not to be swallowed by it. Lena is still here with her, isn’t she? And they’re okay. She needs to cool with the self-loathing. It’s not her at all. “Um… how did that go?”

“They apologized. I mean, of course I was hurt. I did go around feeling like a fool for years in front of everyone, but I get it. It wasn’t their secret to tell.” A thumb brushes gently over Kara’s knuckles, causing Kara to bite the inside of her cheek. “It still hurts, but I forgive you. Have forgiven you for a long time.” Kara takes a shuddering breath at this and she feels the hand over hers squeeze tighter. A reassurance. “Kara. I don’t like us being distant with each other, at an arm’s length. Now - all this doesn't mean all is forgotten, but I _would_ like us to keep moving forward.”

Forgiven. Forward?

Kara feels herself stiffen, frowns. She wants that, too. But why can’t she find herself to do just that? She knows Lena - for someone who's been lied to, betrayed, and _used_ too many times - this is her response to Kara, after being lied to for years? Lena has been too kind and overly understanding of all of this. Again, easy. Kara can’t help but wonder again if she deserves this friendship at all. 

The hand over her own squeezes hers again, comforting and soothing and it’s - it's incredibly ridiculous because this whole thing should be the other way around. It makes her feel silly, face and neck heating. As Kara waits and waits, she realises soon enough that Lena doesn’t plan on taking her hand back at all. They continue to walk side by side on the footpath. Later on at some point, they chuck their cups into the bin. Even then Lena’s hand doesn’t leave Kara’s.

“I think you’re too good to me,” Kara mumbles, her palm firmer against Lena’s when she intertwines their hands together with a gentle clasp.

“What was that?” 

“Nothing.”

Lena arches an eyebrow up, but she doesn’t say anything.

Then there’s a tranquil lapse in conversation, comforting and _them_ , and it’s reminiscent of whenever they’d hang alone together —

 _No_. It’s not reminiscent of what they used to have, or used to be. Not at all - not even close, because no matter how much Kara overthinks herself into thinking that things have changed between them, or that Lena doesn't want her around - it's all untrue and it’s still _them,_ in all kinds of sense and manner _._

Familiar them.

And before Kara knows it, they’re standing in front of Lena’s building facing each other. 

Time stretches and Kara waits. Waits and waits for something, but nothing comes.

A fidget of her hands, and a quirk of her lips. “Well, this is your building. You should head in now, it’s getting pretty cold and late out here.”

“Yeah,” Lena says, but doesn’t move. She stays looking at Kara. A pink tongue swipes on lips, and Kara diverts her attention to some place safer. There’s a long beat of silence before there’s a shuffle on the ground.

Lena removes her black cap and tiptoes up, drawing Kara in. She holds Kara and nestles against the curve of her neck, while her hands move up to cradle Kara’s shoulders.

“It was nice seeing you today even though it was accidental. You really are a sight for sore eyes, darling.”

Kara flushes - both at the easy compliment and the easy intimacy and the easy everything that is with Lena - and this all makes Kara a lot happier than it really should, so naturally she flies it away as Lena's Typical Fond Gestures for Kara. 

...Seriously, Lena needs to learn to tone it down and keep her hands to herself. 

(Does she really, though? It’s not like Kara is any better.

If anything - Kara knows she's worse.)

“Thanks for walking with me,” Kara says quietly, force of habit taking over as she glides a hand to the back of Lena’s head, hand combing her hair soothingly and the other hand stroking her back. 

She feels Lena melting into the hug, body pressing against hers as Lena’s nose nuzzles into the crook of her neck, like Lena’s breathing and taking her all in. Kara ignores the swell of something that spreads somewhere in the vicinity of her chest, and instead places her chin on top of Lena’s head, closing her eyes.

And Lena - bless her soul - remains as oblivious as ever to the turmoil that twists in her gut and pulls at the walls of her heart with the simple action.

“You smell nice. Like strawberries,” Lena says, muffled by Kara’s neck, and Kara feels herself heat when she feels soft lips press onto her skin.

Rao. Does Lena do these things on purpose? Once again - Kara throws the gesture away as Lena’s Typical Fond Gestures for Kara.

“Nia came in at work with a bag full of strawberries. We ate strawberries today. Lots of strawberries.”

Lena breaks away from her, only just a little bit, and the fond smirk Kara receives from Lena when she looks up at her is almost blinding.

“I’m picturing that in my head. Why do I find the image of you guys eating strawberries very cute.”

“Because we are very cute. Whether we’re eating strawberries or not. We’re cute.”

Lena bursts into a light chuckle before shaking her head, causing some strands of hair to fall over her face. Kara brushes the loose strands of hair out of Lena’s eyes, and lets her hands drop back to her sides before it lingers too long. 

“Goodnight, Lena,” she whispers, smiling softly at the woman.

Lena watches her for a single, long moment before ducking her head. 

“Goodnight, Kara.”

* * *

On her next visit to Kaznia, she presents Mikhail a woolly red scarf and a chocolate flavoured pocky box.

“Mikhail,” Kara greets pleasantly, bending down to wrap the young boy with his new scarf. It makes him look younger and smaller, but also more adorable and fluffier. “It’s always really cold around here, isn’t it? I thought you could use this.”

“Yes, it is,” Mikhail chuckles, playing with the wooly material around his neck as he blows puffs into the air, creating steam. “It feels really fluffy and nice. Thank you for the scarf and snack, Supergirl.”

She ruffles his hair softly, chuckles. “Next time I’ll bring more food and you can share them with your friends here.”

“You’re going to keep visiting me? The other kids are always asking about you now, asking when the next time you will come to visit. They like you so much. I like you a lot, too. You remind me of my old friend so much. She saved me from a group of thieves once, have I mentioned that?”

It shouldn’t be shocking to hear, really, but it is.

“No,” Kara drawls, recalling that memory vividly in her head. “But she’s mentioned that to me. I’m glad she got to you just in time. And yeah, of course I’ll keep visiting.” She lets out a deep sigh before standing up, and peers at the windows. Expectedly, she sees a number of children huddled behind the glass. Waving and beaming at them, tiny heads start to bounce up and down excitedly, looking at each other before focusing back on her and Mikhail. This makes Kara laugh. 

“Also, Mikhail?” She turns her attention back to the young boy, grinning as she messes with his hair fondly again. His hair is so soft and fluffy, Kara likes it. “You’re my friend. I’m going to keep visiting you because I want to know what and how you’ve been doing every now and then. If that’s okay.”

“Of course that’s okay.” Mikhail grins widely. “And I have been doing okay! Although it gets a little lonely for me here even though I have these new friends. I just wish for… to have a real family.”

Kara bites her lip, eyebrows furrowing. “I wish that for you, too, Mikhail.”

“Can’t you take me in?” 

She’s thinks about that every day. But no matter how much Kara thinks how nice that would be, it’s just not safe at all. 

“I wish I could, Mikhail. I really do. But it’s dangerous to live with someone like me.”

Mikhail casts his gaze down at the ground, frowning deeply. It makes Kara’s heart hurt. But she’s not the one that’s suffering from huge losses. She can’t imagine how Mikhail feels.

“I assure you, Mikhail. When a time comes, when a kind family takes you in, they’ll be able to look after you better, care for you better. And they will shower you with lots of love and attention. Spoil you, even.”

Hope can be an exhausting company, she knows. But Kara hopes Mikhail never loses his hope. She wishes she could do more.

“That sounds really nice,” he mumbles under his breath, taking a pocky stick out and nibbling on the end of the stick. Kara gives him a comforting squeeze on the shoulder.

“I’ll visit you again sometime soon, okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

When Kara thinks about it, really gives it genuine thought, it's entirely possible that the other shoe will never drop. 

They’re _okay_. At least, that’s what they’ve said to each other. 

But there’s a nagging feeling; it’s just a tiny, false feeling, but—

Currently she’s in Lena’s penthouse in her kitchen, sipping on a hot chocolate drink while Lena’s working in her room. Time and nights spent in each other’s homes aren’t uncommon for them. Kara’s just finished working on her articles, triple saved and sent to her editors before closing thirty tabs of sources.

Dragging a hand down her face, she stretches her body wide and takes a deep breath. There’s always something about the action of closing dozens of tabs that elicits a unique kind of sweet relief, and everything around feels tenfold lighter and wonderful - cathartic. 

She closes her laptop and stores it in her bag before finishing her hot chocolate.

“Hey,” Lena walks in, wearing a loose oversized grey sweater. There’s already an easy, gentle smile plastered on her face when Kara looks up. Immediately Kara finds herself returning it back, helpless and automatic with how she reacts to Lena. “How’d you go?”

“I just finished. All I’m doing now is raiding your kitchen empty.”

Lena does a scan over Kara and her kitchen before she lets out a fond smirk, arms crossing and weight shifting onto the wall beside her. “Did you want to stay? As always, the guest room is clean and prepared for you. It’s already late.”

“However late it is doesn’t mean anything to me. It only takes me seconds to get back to my own apartment, Lena,” Kara reminds Lena, rubbing the back of her neck. 

“It’s nice knowing that.” Lena bows her head down slightly with a small sigh. “Means you can stay longer,” she adds, as if to reassure Kara of something, and Kara looks away, quietly chuckling.

“I _can_ stay a little longer. Do you want to do something?”

“Hm. Do _you_?”

Kara thinks for a moment. “Didn’t Nia give you some of the polaroids she took when we were all together last time?” She cracks into a smile, remembering the ton of pictures they’d taken together back at girls’ night at Kelly’s. “Can I see them?”

“They’re in my room.”

She follows Lena to her room, grins when she spots the planner she gave to Lena almost two years ago stacked in a bookshelf. Why does Lena still have that? Kara makes a mental note to buy a new one for her.

Lena sits on her bed, taps on the spot next to her for Kara to do the same. She pulls out ten polaroids - six of them featuring just her and Kara smiling and laughing together on the couch, in the kitchen, and—it doesn’t matter where or what they’re doing—the clear imprint of: _just Kara and Lena things_ (As Nia liked to call it, whenever they’re together) is there.

“Wow, okay. Looking at these pictures, I can kinda get how Nia feels now.” She continues shuffling through each polaroid, letting out small huffs of laughter recalling each memory behind these pictures. “Can I have some of these? We look so good.”

Lena scoots closer next to Kara, shoulders touching as she observes the polaroids with her. She chuckles, “We do look good. And of course you can.”

Picking out three polaroids, Kara nods to herself. Looks at Lena. There’s a tinge of pink on her cheeks, a glint in her eye.

“Lena?”

Lena turns her head to look at her. “Yes?”

There’s a mini, gnawing feeling in her chest. Once again, it’s just a tiny, false feeling, but—

It’s just a false feeling. She understands that, yet it takes over her, causing her to wince and blurting out: “Um. I just, I want to apologize again. I’m sorry.”

“For?”

Kara shifts uncomfortably. “I—I don’t… For doing what I did to you. For the years of lying, for not being a great friend. You’ve been through so much, and I—I’m your best friend. That was so wrong.”

“And I forgive you for that. _Forgave_ , Kara.” Seconds pass. “Where is this coming from?” Lena watches her carefully, eyes concerned and filled with unsubdued warmth, and. There’s a growing tension in the room when the silence stretches out. 

Kara blinks, feels her forehead with the back of her hand and frowns. She looks at Lena, and all she can think about is this: she doesn’t deserve Lena. How can she after everything? Lena, who is always so sweet, and incredibly kind, and understanding. 

And - just - why does Lena look at her like that? It’s not a normal, typical worried best friend kind of look. It’s not appropriate either, for the _just best friends_ standards. Every time Lena looks at her like that, Kara blanks. Her mind blanks. Her heart flips. Something inside her urges for her to do something. To do something about it. Years counting, and she still hasn’t done a single damn thing about it.

When Kara can’t get an answer out, Lena speaks.

“Kara,” Lena begins slowly, and the way she holds her gaze with Kara, intense and unwavering, soft and gentle, sends a low hum to Kara’s spine as Kara wishes for the ground to swallow her whole. “You know I don’t hate you. Right, Kara?”

"I don't know," she breathes, but Lena is neither blind, nor deaf. She knows the words are as weak as they sound, because her features all fall at the falter in Lena’s gaze, dimming down as she shrinks in on herself. There's a small pause, and a low exhale. The gnawing guilt claws its way through her stomach that much more. “I mean, yes, I do know. It’s just, I feel lucky that you’re still speaking to me. After everything.”

She doesn’t expect Lena’s reaction. The tiniest, sharp jerk of her body, the abrupt falter of her features, the clear and genuine disbelief in her face - it’s too much that it causes Kara to look away with a slight grimace.

“Kara - why do you keep saying things like that?”

Kara just shrugs helplessly. 

“Tell me, I’d really like to know,” Lena insists, moving closer to Kara as she places a hand over at Kara’s knee gently. “This has been going on long enough.”

“What has...” Kara mumbles, and swallows when Lena sighs - both hands reaching up to cradle Kara’s face, smooth thumb caressing her skin. Blood starts to run and roar wildly in Kara’s ears, heart hammering her chest when Lena makes a move to rest her forehead against hers.

“Despite it all, I think you know about it. You just don’t want to believe it,” Lena whispers softly, breath hitting Kara’s lips. Kara wants to look away, but finds that she can’t look away. She’s too caught up by the way Lena regards her, eyes soft and layered with a deep kind of _look_ that Kara’s all too afraid to entirely decipher. 

“You know that I have feelings for you.” Lena’s nose brushes over hers, thumb insistent with its soft strokes against her cheek, and it feels so nice and lovely that it makes Kara’s heartbeat faster and her thought process sway. “And I think deep down, you’ve known it for a while, even before you told me you were Supergirl. You just never called me out on it.”

Kara wants to move away. Kara can’t move how she wants to. She finds herself leaning into Lena’s touch instead.

“And the reason for forgiving you is simple. It helped that somewhere along the lines, I already kind of had a hunch back then. You’re the most genuine person I know,” Lena says, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them again. “You’re my best friend and I like to think that I _know_ you. Couldn’t stay doubting your intentions that long. You underestimate your importance to me too much.” 

Kara shivers, makes the mistake of lowering her gaze down to Lena’s soft, pretty lips, to which she then hears a skip of heartbeat from Lena. But Lena keeps her eyes trained on hers.

Then, time, like an ever-rolling stream, bounces off into another inevitable. It's an illusion in its truest form yet it exists in a continuum; elusive and endless. One can cut all the flowers but one can’t keep Spring from coming.

“I love you, Kara. I’m in love with you,” Lena says. “I’ve always have been.”

And then it’s too much for Kara.

“Lena,” Kara utters softly, eyes averting away. She wants to say back, but the words are caught stuck in her throat. It won’t budge - won't come out at all. Then she looks back up, trying frantically to say more than just Lena's name.

Her mouth fails her. She fails - nothing is coming out - so she just lets out a small shudder, and cranes her neck. Kara feels herself draw closer towards Lena, the tension hanging heavier in the air now. And Lena looks like she wants to lean in, too, as Kara listens to the rise of Lena’s heartbeat, beating rapidly against her chest as if she’s anticipating for it. Wanting it. Needing it.

For years.

(Would it be so bad?)

Then Kara raises a hand up to Lena’s jaw and leans in. She kisses Lena, and lets herself linger as she closes her eyes before pulling back seconds later - only slightly that their lips are almost touching.

“You also knew what I was going to say on that balcony if we hadn’t been interrupted,” Lena adds, a small smile tugging at her lips before surging forward for Kara’s lips, the kiss lingering longer this time. She pulls back, biting her bottom lip with an incredibly flustered look that makes Kara feel twice soft, seeing how much she affects Lena with just a simple kiss. 

“When I asked about that before, you said that wasn’t an important thing.”

“I know,” Lena says with a bit of a wince. “I didn’t mean that. I was being silly. We both were.”

Kara smiles, shakes her head before leaning in again for another kiss. And when they part, they breathe softly into the small space between them, regarding each other warmly.

“I love you,” Lena whispers, a tender sincerity to her voice. Her thumb makes a slow slide across Kara’s lips, pressing lightly on the center.

Rao.

Lena loves her. Lena loves her, and Kara wants to say it back. She opens her mouth, really wanting to say it back.

Nothing comes out. Kara can’t.

(Still.)

But it doesn’t seem like Lena’s fazed with the lack of speech on her part, because she just scoffs lightly with a soft smirk before leaning in again. And every time one leans in, Kara feels a swell in her chest - of only the good and lovely and pleasant light things that Lena makes her feel deep in her soul. 

Very, very slowly, Kara’s lips glide and smooth over Lena’s as Lena continues to cradle her face, palm holding her cheek gently. Then Kara’s hand finds the back of Lena’s neck and urges Lena closer, keeping their lips melting together as Lena sighs contentedly into the kiss.

Lena’s lips are so soft and tender against hers, Kara gets too easily lost in Lena—in her touch, her scent, in just overall _her_. When Kara shifts and deepens their kiss, Lena’s hand slides into Kara’s hair, twisting her fingers into it. 

Kara has wondered what it would be like to kiss her best friend; a deep dormant thought, one that sat passively in the back of her mind. She hadn’t made much effort to explore that thought over the years. She had put a wall there, actively placed to refuse the thoughts from surfacing.

Active avoidance of such thoughts and intimacy recognizes the possibility of intimacy.

And Kara isn’t sure if it was smart to keep her thoughts and feelings safely at a distance in retrospect, because this? It all comes at once into the surface, engulfing her whole and she can’t properly think of anything else other than Lena, Lena, and just Lena—

Then before she realizes it she’s on top of Lena, and Lena’s back is against the mattress, their hands starting to wander each other’s body.

Feelings. All these years.

She never called Lena out on it. Just as Lena never called her out on hers. Though they both had past relationships—through it all budded with realization and sight for each other. 

An inevitable coming for them sooner or later.

They pull back for a moment, just relishing in the sight of each other, rosy-cheeked and shiny-lipped and twinkling eyes as they watch one another like they’re looking at their whole world in front of them right now. 

Then Kara pulls Lena back in again, lips mashing together, unhurried and slow and just so perfect and lovely. Lena makes these little sighing noises in the back of her throat - like she’s settling in, and Kara melts at the sound. It gets dizzying and endless, one kiss melting into the next, and soon it turns into something more needy - desperate.

Kara’s stomach feels hot, tightening. Her lips are raw and sensitive. She feels like she’s been kissing Lena for millennia, like she should’ve been.

Lena brings her hands to Kara’s sides, hands skimming before her arms wrap around and tighten around Kara’s torso, pressing Kara down further against her body like she’s searching for something, needing for something. As if all Lena wants right now is to be underneath Kara’s touch.

When Lena parts her lips, Kara follows. Kara tilts her head at an angle and feels the slip of Lena’s tongue against hers, hot and wet and wanting and—it’s only when Kara presses Lena against the mattress again that Lena lets out the softest of sounds against her mouth. 

“Lena,” Kara whispers, dragging her lips down Lena’s chin, her jaw, and just under her jaw. Lena makes another noise, almost like a whimper as she gives her neck to Kara, hand slipping to the back of Kara’s head urging her closer and it encourages Kara further. Kara dips her head lower, lets her lips wander as she presses wet, hot open-mouthed kisses along Lena’s jaw, down her neck, to her collarbone. Lena arches into her touch, head tossed back - the column of her neck completely exposed.

It’s intoxicating: the curve of Lena’s body below her on the bed, the rise and fall of Lena’s chest, the little stifling sounds Lena lets out.

“Kara,” Lena gasps out, breathless. And Kara takes a moment before lifting her head up, taking a good look at Lena. Lena’s eyes are dark and inhibited by want, pupils blown out, chest heaving, hair mussed. There’s emotion and yearning twisting deeply in her expression.

Kara hesitates, bites her bottom lip. “Do you…” she whispers, then pauses with bated breath - finding it difficult to breathe when Lena is looking at her like _that_ so close up. This is her best friend. Lena Luthor. Rao - she’s never seen her best friend look at her like this with so much longing and want. Kara tucks in loose strands of hair behind Lena’s ear, strokes the skin just behind it with her thumb.

“If you want to,” Lena says softly, looking up at Kara, dazed and cheeks attractively flushed. 

“Do you want to?” Kara asks again.

“Kara. I’ve always wanted you.”

She nods, feels her own heart skip a beat at the confession. Then bends down to kiss Lena as she feeds a hand into Lena’s hair, fingers weaving with the raven-black curls and gives it a light tug. That has Lena eliciting a quiet, breathy moan to which she seems to falter at, lips going still and mouth hanging open as her hold on Kara’s waist loosens.

“Okay,” Kara decides, voice coming out a little rougher than she would like, and moves to kiss Lena’s cheek, her jaw, and again in a trail until she reaches Lena’s ear. “Then let me hear you, Lena.”

Lena shudders against her before she nods once and latches their mouths together again, open-mouthed this time. Soon it turns into something more heated and intense, and Kara slides a hand behind Lena’s sweater, fingers trailing upwards on skin until it reaches a linen fabric material.

-

Kara lies awake later at night, listening to Lena breathing as she sleeps against her, aligned hip to hip. Arms and legs tangled together.

She likes being able to feel Lena breathe against her, feel the rise and fall of her chest. She counts the number of breaths Lena takes. One, two, three. Finger absentmindedly tracing a pattern onto bare skin. She looks up at the ceiling, the overwhelming feeling of a need to say something returns in her chest.

“Lena.” 

She utters the name on her lips, so familiar that she can recall exactly how it falls from her lips. She speaks it to no one in particular.

“Lena.”

As it rolls off her tongue, she thinks there’s something different about the way she says it this time—like there’s a new sense of intimacy and softness to it, imbued in the single word.

“Lena.”

The name bursts so bright in her mind, in all the empty spaces of her heart, low in the pit of her belly. 

She doesn’t know how to feel like this. 

She knows how to feel like this.

She has to tell Lena how she feels.

Kara shudders.

* * *

“Hi, Mikhail. Good morning,” Kara greets, touching down on the grass with boxes of pizzas in hand.

“Supergirl!” the young boy almost shouts, dashing towards her excitedly and wrapping her into a big hug.

“Careful,” Kara lifts the pizza boxes up in the air, laughing. “You don’t want these to drop on the ground.” 

“You got pizzas!” He pulls back, grinning widely. Bouncing up and down on his heels, Mikhail watches her and the box eagerly. “I think you’re going to make me fat with all these kinds of food you keep bringing here. But I’m not complaining.”

“Is that so?” Kara bursts into further laughter, cracking into a grin herself. “I’ve been told that many times. I know I’m not the best influence to people’s diets.” She thinks of Alex. Eliza. J’onn. Nia. Lena. Then flushes slightly, briefly wondering what Lena is doing right now.

Mikhail leads her to a nearby bench, ushering her to sit comfortably. 

“These two boxes are for us,” Kara tells him, and takes four boxes to a corner, “and these are for your friends here.”

The young boy squints, entire face twisting into a grimace as he tries to catch a peek inside the boxes. “Are there vegetables?”

Kara looks at Mikhail fondly. “Not in my pizzas usually, no. Not if I have any say in it. Here, you can start digging in before they get too cold.” 

And as soon as the boxes are opened, Mikhail digs in immediately, sauce already smudging his cheek. Kara smiles at the sight.

“You know,” he chews with his cheeks full, food in his mouth, “my friends started learning English. English isn't compulsory in our schools here. So they started learning so they can speak to you!”

“Wait. Is that why your friends haven't been coming to us?” She pauses, frowning and looking up. Tiny heads, again, huddle behind the glass of the house and hushed whispers are shared. In Russian.

Oh. _Oh_. She’d been wondering why the kids don’t come to her at all. How many visits has it been? They’re always behind the glass, watching her and Mikhail eagerly, curiously, leaving Kara always confused but always waving a _hi! at them._

Mikhail must see the look on her face and so he starts laughing, waving his pizza in the air. “I mean, there _is_ some language barrier going on, but it’s also because they’re very shy and just prefer watching us like creeps.” He rolls his eyes, takes another bite of his pizza. “As soon as they see you land here, they would sprint back into the house and freak out because you’re here again.”

“Oh…” Kara blinks, a little loss of words. Usually people aren’t afraid to come greet her, especially the kids. And she considers herself extremely approachable, thank you very much. She tilts her head, frowns. “You know, I can speak Russian. So, that part checks out.”

Mikhail pauses before snorting in disbelief. “Wow, really? You can speak?”

“Yes, so get your friends out here.”

Mikhail looks at her closely, a slow grin spreading across his face. “Are you pouting? Supergirl,” he laughs, and Kara frowns (pouts) further, “trust me, they love you and don’t find you intimidating. I told you, my friends are silly and just incredibly shy.”

“Okay, if you say so. I’ll pay them a proper visit after we finish these boxes. And I’ll try not to butcher your language while at it.” She waves up in the air in greeting, and the tiny heads duck down behind the glass, now out of sight. Unless she uses her x-ray vision. Or she can use her hearing. 

_Did you see that? Supergirl just waved at me!_

_No, she waved at me!_

_What, no—_

She scoffs to herself softly, chuckling. For a moment she was worried there. 

“You know,” Mikhail says after his third pizza, “you told me to keep up with my studies and to not lose hope with things like family. One of my friends just recently got adopted. She was so happy and we were all so happy for her.”

“Yeah?” Kara watches him, sees him sporting a genuine smile.

“Yeah. Finding a family… or being found. It really does happen. And seeing her go… it made me happy, sad, and envious. Happy that she’s happy, sad she’s gone, and envious of what she has. I mean, it might happen to me, or it might not. But I’d like to keep hoping that I’ll also have what she has someday.”

Kara wraps an arm around his shoulder, bringing him closer to her. She plants a kiss on his forehead and waits for him patiently as he tries to find his words. His mouth opens and closes as he stares at the ground, deep into thought.

“And, um. I guess it’s not like I can do much in my current situation. All I can do is continue studying hard. Keep moving and keep looking forward,” Mikhail shrugs, and something clicks in Kara's head. A switch, like a flicker of a light switch. 

Mikhail is here and settling - adjusting. It’s so simple and straightforward. Kara hasn't been doing very much of the moving forward part.

She thinks about Lena, wonders yet again what Lena could be doing at this hour. Probably sleeping. Kara _is_ currently on the other side of the world, and if she were to calculate the timezone it would be around four am in National City right now. Yeah, probably sleeping.

Kara snaps out of her trance when Mikhail bounces his soccer ball on the ground. Looking ahead, he waves at his friends with a wide grin and gestures to the unopened pizza boxes next to them.

She watches Mikhail, thinks about how strong he is, and how bright he remains. Though he’s in pain, he remains optimistic. Yet sad and mourning, he doesn’t let it control him. Kara lets out a quiet sigh, ruffles his hair which makes him look up - grinning at her. His mother would be proud of him. Red Daughter, too. Right? Kara is. She will continue to watch over him.

“Come on, let’s go properly introduce me to your friends. I can hear their tummies rumbling from here.”

* * *

They don’t talk about what happened six nights ago. There hasn’t been a single mention of it (Kara’s been keeping track, of course, a little (extremely) more extra perceptive these days), but there’s a silent acknowledgement between them - of that night and how Lena feels about her.

It’s not awkward. It’s not uncomfortable, either. Nothing’s changed (for the worse), they continue to meet each other as if it’s still the same _them,_ as if they’re okay and as if they’ll always be okay as long as they both work on it and choose it to be.

But there _has_ been more lingering, unfriendly touches shared, more prolonged gazes, and little make-out sessions that sometimes go out of hand. 

It happens when Kara makes a visit to Lena’s office, bringing only just herself with a big beaming smile on and two coffees in hand. It happens after Lena takes her out to a fancy, expensive dinner on a late afternoon, and they're outside Lena's penthouse building, standing so close to each other before one leans in. It happens when they stand outside of Kelly’s apartment after the girls’ night out next to a lamppost, both buzzed up from the alcohol, laughing together as they share silly inside jokes and as they wait for Lena’s driver to pick them both up. 

It happens more and more, and.

And every time it does, Lena tells her she loves her, verbal and not. Yet Kara can’t yet say it back each time. 

It’s almost embarrassing that she can’t bring herself to; _her_ of all people. Kara Danvers, who is the biggest giver of love and affection, most communicative and all that.

It’s pathetic. She knows this can’t go on for much longer. It’s completely unfair to Lena.

On one particular evening as she beats herself over this, thinking and moping as she sips on her hot chocolate in her kitchen and looking at Nia’s text messages - she hears two knocks on her door.

Hearing is all it takes to know whose heartbeats behind that door.

“Lena,” Kara greets when she opens the door, grinning and already she engulfs the woman into a hug before ushering her inside.

“Hey,” Lena says, placing her coat on the hanger. “Sorry to drop by unannounced.”

“You’re always welcome to drop by unannounced.”

Lena arches an eyebrow up. “I’m holding you for that.”

Kara shrugs. “We can hold each other for that.”

Lena tugs her heels off and follows after Kara into the living room, muttering a small _yeah_ , _we can_ under her breath. Kara sits on the couch, places her mug down on the coffee table.

“What’s wrong? Usually you text or call me to give me a heads up before coming here. Did something happen?” There’s a spike in Lena’s pulse when she asks. Eyebrows furrowing, she watches Lena standing behind the coffee stand with a phone in her hand.

“Well,” Lena drawls, putting her phone away and slides next to Kara on the couch. Kara frowns when she sees a wince in Lena’s face. “I have a gala event coming up that’s mandatory for me to attend. And… you know how it goes.” She shrugs one shoulder, ears reddening.

“Okay. You know I’m always down to go with you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kara nods, smiles. “Just tell me the date and I’ll be there. With you.”

Lena lets out a sigh of relief, back against the couch. She rests her head on Kara’s shoulder, eyes closing. “Great. That’s one thing down. I’ve been so busy with work - especially so with the new releases from my company.” 

“Lena,” Kara chuckles, wraps an arm around Lena’s shoulder and gives her a gentle squeeze. “You know you could’ve just asked me in text, right? You didn’t have to come all the way here.” 

“I know. I just wanted to see you today.” A non-verbal _I love you._

“Oh.” Kara rubs a hand up and down Lena’s arm and Lena sighs softly, nuzzles into Kara’s side. _I love you_ , rings in Kara’s head. _I love you, too_. She thinks about how to tell Lena this. She’s been thinking about it ever since that night. She needs to say it back. “Are you done for the day?”

“Yeah.”

Silence fills the room, save for the mini clock hanging on the wall that ticks and turns. The longer Kara waits and thinks, the closer she feels Lena trudging into sleep on her shoulder. Lena seems content and peaceful in her position. Happy. Kara bites her bottom lip, grabs the nearby mini blanket with her free hand and drapes it over their laps.

“Lena?”

“Yes?”

“Did you come here straight from work?”

“Yeah,” Lena says, shifting so that her legs are above the couch. “What were you doing before?” she asks seconds later.

 _Thinking of you,_ Kara wants to say. 

“Was just sipping on some hot chocolate while looking at the dozens of memes Nia sent me today,” she says instead.

Lena chuckles quietly, her hand slipping under Kara’s below their blanket. Kara gives her another light squeeze, kisses her on the forehead. “This feels nice,” Lena mumbles, shuddering slightly as if she’s cold.

“Sorry, is it too cold here? It’s too cold, isn’t it?” Kara lifts her head up, worries her bottom lip. “My heaters have been non-functional for weeks, I should really get it fixed.”

“No, it's not too cold. This is fine,” Lena reassures her, shakes her head. “You feel comfortable and nice. Warm, as always.”

“Long day at work today?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” Kara drawls, still concerned and fidgety, “I have an electric blanket if you want to switch to that?”

“Kara,” Lena laughs, and holds Kara tighter when Kara makes the slightest move to get up, “really. It’s fine. Don’t move.”

“Okay. I’m not moving.”

“Good.”

Minutes pass, and Kara wonders how long it’ll be until Lena really does fall asleep on her.

“You know,” Lena says quietly, breaking the silence, low but not quite like a whisper, “I always feel safe with you,” she mentions out of the blue. “Did you know that? You’re my safe place, too.” A beat later. “I love you,” she utters softly, nuzzling into the crook of Kara’s neck.

 _Rao_. Every time Lena says it, it sends a deep shudder through Kara’s spine, heart filling so much warmth it might burst. She breathes slowly, just allowing herself to bask in Lena’s presence and the comfort of her touch.

“Feel safe? Have you heard about the Florence Nightingale effect,” she mentions, a little weakly with a hint of implication in her message. It’s probably poor taste to joke about this. Oh, Rao. Damn the tiniest thread of the false feeling that still remains attached around her finger.

“Florence Nightingale?” Lena repeats, head moving back. “You’re talking about the nurse. Back in the eighteenth century who took care of soldiers during the Crimean War. All those soldiers placed under her care fell in love with her.”

Kara watches Lena closely. “Their feelings weren’t real.”

“Every soldier developed romantic feelings for her because of her safety and care, and saw her as a protector. So they fell for her. But it wore off once they were out of her care.”

“Yeah.”

“Interesting that you bring that up.” Lena gives her a look, a soft huff coming out of her mouth, eyes narrowing slightly. “Really, Kara… at this point? It’s almost cute. I should be offended at the insinuation, but I’m not.” 

“Just saying,” Kara shrugs, the atmosphere feeling light and playful. “I’m Supergirl. I’ve been saving and protecting you,” she says lightly. She knows that it’s useless. That it’s futile to delay things any longer.

“I didn’t know you were Supergirl back then.”

Kara tilts her head, frowns. “But you mentioned before that you always had an inkling feeling that you’ve known.” She tries not to pout - really, really tries not to pout when she says this because she knows, deep down, that she is terrible with subtitles. Awful. But she'll always deny it - to anyone who tells her that she isn't subtle - she'll deny and refuse to give in because she thinks that if she denies it enough, one day she'll become better at the subtitles. One day she'll be so good, as smooth and sneaky as the letter 'b' in subtle.

“I did. But a hunch isn’t a confirmation,” Lena reasons firmly. “And even then…”

“And even then…?”

“What can I say?” Lena bows her head, buries her face on Kara’s collarbone. “I only knew Kara Danvers back then.” She breathes Kara in, her nose making brushes on Kara’s skin. It tickles. “It just feels really nice knowing you’re not hiding from me any longer.”

“It does feel really nice,” Kara agrees softly, face heating when she feels Lena’s lips press on her neck. “Things were more simple back then, wasn’t it? No more secrets, Lena. From me, and from you, too. Lying to each other… it’s not us.” 

Lena tips her head up and they lock into a fixed gaze, faces so close.

“Yeah… Kara. No more secrets.” Lena whispers. 

Kara searches into Lena's eyes for a moment before she leans in to kiss her. Hands slipping behind Lena’s neck, she feels Lena smile against her lips, and - she doesn’t realise she, too, is smiling. There is a hand on her cheek as they part for long enough to look at each other, eyes sparkling with unspoken fondness, a thumb gently caressing her cheekbone as they stare at one another until Kara claims Lena’s lips again.

They exchange slow, careful kisses, every move and breath a deliberately chosen statement. I am: here. I want: this. I want: you. Always. Over and over and over, and it's only when Lena has climbed on Kara's lap that Kara realises they've lost track of time, her back being pressed against the couch’s cushion. A hand on Lena’s waist and the other hand on the small of her back, she pulls Lena closer so that their bodies are steadily pressed, curves meeting curves.

When Lena angles her head for a deeper kiss, Kara’s glasses become skewed - causing Lena to pull back. Kara flushes, blinking.

Lena makes a move, pulling off Kara’s glasses gently.

“Cons of wearing glasses, am I right?” Kara jokes with her cheeks blushed, scratching her eyebrow.

Lena huffs softly, a smile tugging at the edges of her lips.

Time ticks, and time stretches. They watch each other simply, just smiling.

Kara’s eyes flicker down, observes how swollen Lena’s lips are already, looking thoroughly kissed and plump. And as soon as Kara sees the slightest movement of Lena opening her mouth to say something, Kara already beats her to it.

“I love you,” Kara breathes. “I’m in love with you, Lena. I’ve always have been.”

She feels awfully ridiculous for not having said it much earlier as soon as it’s let out of her mouth. But it’s finally out. Kara feels lighter, nicer. Like she should always be, when it comes to Lena. And it doesn’t surprise her when she isn’t greeted with a shock of look in Lena’s face, no. Lena just twists into a knowing smirk, her other hand raising up, thumb caressing Kara’s bottom lip.

“I love you, too.” Lena lets out a light sigh before her lips stretches into a lovely smile. She motions to the glasses she’s holding, then grins. “So, the cons of having a girlfriend who wears glasses, am I right?” she sets it down on the coffee stand, smirking before pulling Kara into another kiss.

The inevitable takes over, and time seeks to wander off into its next inevitable.

“Girlfriend, huh,” Kara whispers when they part, smirk on her lips melting into a soft smile, and - Lena just chuckles, places a kiss just under Kara’s jaw.

“What?” Lena tilts her head charmingly, dimples making appearance. “Are you with me?”

“Always,” Kara promises, and tucks a loose strand of hair behind Lena’s ear. She holds her gaze with Lena for a moment, before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead once, twice. “Let me take care of you,” she whispers before leaning in once more.

Now, later… forever, always.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!
> 
> twitter: [coffeeshib](https://twitter.com/coffeeshib)


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